blank.

I wish I could blog about something more exciting, but my posts have been really gloomy and I’m sorry for that. It’s best not to read this if you’re not up for something sad. Because I’m not really good at expressing my feelings in person, I feel that writing is the only way for me to let go of my thoughts. And so, I’m going to write it down here since this is a long overdue post, thoughts that’s been haunting me for awhile.

Things got worse for my dad. I’m not going to say the condition, but it’s not looking positive to a point that the doctor says there is no hope. But whether it’s true or not, we can only leave that to God. It’s sad to wake up one day and receive news like that, having to prepare yourself that the person you love may not be here anymore with you. But what rips my heart out is having to hopelessly watch him in pain and I can’t do anything except to be present so he knows how important he is in my life. I can’t help wishing everyday for his pain to be taken away, in any way possible although that may mean that he will leave me because letting him go so he won’t be in pain anymore is better than having him with me and watch him suffer of sickness which i can’t even help make it better.

Everyday, I pray that his pain will be less and he’s given the strength to face this positively. It’s difficult visiting him, talking to him like usual and updating him about my life without having tears in my eyes but I smile, so that he wouldn’t feel sad about his condition. It breaks my heart, really and it doesn’t get easier with every visit. Being home makes it just as hard too. Realizing that he won’t be around to save me from lizards, he won’t come and take a nap in my room while I watch dramas, and I won’t be able to tease him about flirting with girls. There’s so much of my dad that I will miss and the loss would hit right in my face real hard. I won’t have anyone to catch me in the sea if I drown, nobody to understand my film camera talks and music. I won’t be able to make jokes with him and get angry playfully because he does something crazy.

My future. That’s the most painful part, not having him around to be the person that will marry me off to another guy. I wish it would be my dad that will let me go to the hands of another person, and having somebody else do it on behalf won’t be the same as having him to do it. He won’t get to know my future partner, if I have one. My future kids, they won’t get to see him. I won’t have him by my side when I’m pregnant and crazy. I won’t get the chance to show him how I am as a mother one day and how I love him despite his weird ways of taking care of me.

Knowing this, and realizing that any day now he’s leaving us makes me feel like I wish I could drown and find a place quiet enough from all this. I wish I could be far away from everything and not face reality.

But then again, here I am. Because despite wanting to run away, I think it’s more important to be strong for him. I guess that’s what you do when you love someone and they mean so much to you. You be there for them, you do it for them because without them, your heart is probably just an empty soul.

Advertisements

celebrating nature.

Earth Hour took place last weekend, a time where the whole world unite and come together to help earth be a better place. Earth Hour; to some may be only an hour event that occurs annually but to many people out there it means so much more than an hour of switching our lights off.

I first learned about sustainability and the importance of recycling when I was in university. Before that, I’ve never really given much thought about it. Of course there were activities in schools and we were taught about recycling but it was only in university that I saw the bigger picture of how important it is to live a green lifestyle, if not fully at least to adopt where possible. Perhaps it’s because when I was growing up, all the hype around me isn’t ethical consumption that I became ignorant to conserving the environment. It was to a point that I did not even realize the impact of my daily consumption towards the environment. It’s the little things I do like throwing the plastic bottles in rubbish bins instead of recycling, using plastic based items that’s easily disposable and many more. If I skim through my daily lifestyle from A to Z, I could list a whole bunch of how un-environmental friendly my routine was, probably still is but less now than I am more aware of the issue but it just shows how normalized it has become until we don’t notice that we are bringing harm to the environment by consuming harmful products. I don’t know if it’s because of modernization and new technologies, demanding things to be produced cheap, durable, easily disposable, fast among other criteria but it has led us to live a life that abuse the resources provided by earth and instead destroying them in the long run.

Having said all this, to celebrate Earth Hour this year I told myself that I would pledge to try to live a greener lifestyle. I want to start small, probably by reducing my daily consumption of unethical products that brings harm to nature like contributing less to the usage of plastic straws by bringing my own, although I know it’s not that easy to bring your own straw everywhere you go, reduce water consumption and air condition at home, walk and use public transport more instead of driving and most importantly to be more mindful of what I consume. I know sometimes it may not be easy to change because the surroundings may not be suitable with your new aims. For example, you may want to stop using plastic straws but naturally every shop here in Malaysia serve drinks with straw. You may want to use public transport or walk more but the weather isn’t really friendly here and not all places has access to public transportation. On top of that, there’s security to think about too. Nobody said changing lifestyle is easy. It’s because our lifestyle is influenced by our surrounding. Unless everyone change towards a greener lifestyle, there’s always going to be barriers around you, challenges you need to face and try to overcome.

Do not take that negatively though, instead consider it as a challenge so you can improve and innovate along the way. I cannot really remember who said it to me when I was younger but I remember clearly the person told me if he would choose where to live, he would choose to stay in a place where the economy of the country is volatile. Why? Because that’s where all the problems are and that’s also where you’ll learn the most in the corporate world. When you come out of all those challenges, you’ll be rich with experience and knowledge.

Same applies to this issue, there are many problems to tackle but this is also the opportunity for us to change what we can that is within our control. Starting with yourself may seem too little of a change but once you start, slowly it’ll impact your surrounding and when more people switch lifestyle, it automatically shifts the market towards a greener market for consumers and that, that is the power each and everyone of us in this world holds.

I may fail or I may be able to meet my personal sustainable goals but what’s more significant here is that, I’m willing to give it a try and start changing.

And that is what Earth Hour meant to me this year. It was an hour, but one hour is enough to remind me of what’s truly important in order for us to continue living comfortably in this world.

I hope Earth Hour means something to you too.

mellow update

I think the plan to blog more and keep track of life will need some revision to it to perhaps casual blogging as and when I am able to update. I never thought work could take away so much from you but wow, not even a year has passed but I feel like so much changed. Emotion wise, it feels like I have felt more in these few months of working than my entire three years of hectic university life; from being stressed to anxious to happy and it changes rapidly from one to another, leaving me drained by the end of the day. Gone are the days where I could simply take a day off from everything because I woke up feeling like it’s a good day to be carefree. I obviously love my work because there’s so much to learn and discover daily and it’s exciting despite the crazy workload. I like how working is also a platform for me to continuously learn something new daily, exploring and creating more room for self-improvement.

One thing I realized, working in a fast paced environment requires me to make a good judgement on when to stop and give myself some time to readjust.

It can be overwhelming at times, emotionally it can be exhausting too which is why it’s important to not let it get to you.

I remember the first two month of work I just could not even function when work came from all sides. I would be stressed out, figuring out how do I finish this and get it right. I don’t even know if work life balance existed for me at that time. But as time pass by, I learn that when a huge workload comes your way you got to take a moment to restructure everything before you start. It really helps with the panic attacks that happens frequently when you’re chasing deadlines. If your mind is stuck, take a break. I know, it feels so absurd to be taking a break when you have so much to do and so little time. But, I figured out that taking a break do help. Yes, it does. I had this work I needed to do within a timeline which required me to learn from scratch and I took days to work on it, but it was more like just generally understanding the work instead of actually doing it because I was stuck at the same question of how do I do this. It was after I gave myself a break from it entirely, allowed myself to think of other things before coming back to the same question that I managed to unwind myself from the position I was stuck.

However, I do have to admit that I’m still working on coping with the emotional roller coaster rides. I could go from being sad to stress within seconds it’s crazy. Anxiety visits me quite often since I started this new phase of life. Sometimes I feel like juggling between work, family and myself takes up so much I barely have time for social life. There are days I feel so alone, struggling to cope with all this myself. But I know, I have so many people around me to turn to for support which is such a huge comfort for me.

I think this may sound odd, but I am going to say it anyway.

Growing up, being an adult is not as glorious as we all thought it would be. There are of course the sweetness in it, entering different phases in life but one thing for sure is the responsibilities to carry grow as your age increases. And experiencing all this leave an entirely different impact than simply knowing it. Although I do admit that it is in this process that I learn about myself a lot. Slowly in this process I get to know myself, how I am as a person, understanding my own needs, expectations and capabilities. Of course there are also days where I just wish I can be married with six kids in a cute little home, far away from all this hectic city life but not too far to a point that I disconnect from the world totally, waking up to my partner and having random talks about anything and not having to worry much about things in life. Then there are also days I wish I could drop everything and be somebody else, like a textile designer or something. But reality now isn’t so bad too and I am grateful as it is for the constant blessings. I guess that’s what growing up do to you. It makes you discover what is it you want out of life and all your different priorities.

Goals

Remember in my previous post I said I figured out some of my 2018 resolution and want to do an update on that but ended up posting without any? Well here’s a follow-up post on that, sorry for skipping that out I was half asleep trying to finish that post (the struggle was too real). Anyway, with some free time I miraculously have tonight after dinner, I’m going to write down about my dreams, aspirations, my personal motivation etc etc. I’ll try to list out everything so that I can remember later on what is it I wanted to achieve this year.

Here goes my 2018 list:
• dedicate more time to my family and loved ones because they matter more than whatever this world has to offer.
• be more functional mentally and physically.
• work on my presentation skills (giving a speech makes me all jittery)
• be content with life
• learn to take on challenges as they are and bend instead of break
• work on the understanding of my faith and religion
• to be empathic with my surrounding and not let the harsh reality of this world make me bitter
• to learn and understand the concept of green lifestyle and try to adopt them, no matter how small the act is.
• to be stronger physically so i can hustle through my days and not feel too exhausted
• improve in any aspect by the end of the year, knowing that whatever it is i learned throughout this year would have at least impacted myself
• to find love and blessing in every event regardless of whether they bring happiness or sadness

Aaaanddd. . . I think that’s about it for now. I could go on talking about the breakdown of my goals but lets not. As for now, my short term goal would be to survive life; juggling work, passion, family and friends is not easy, soon adding to the list is my studies. Phew. That and I’m hoping to be an excel wizard somehow, someday in the next few months or so (keyword: hoping). Not that it’s at the top of my list but I’m also hoping to own a tablet that allows me to draw and doodle because this girl needs that function in her life now more than ever. All this stress making me want to doodle more and more. I also hope to have more time to use my film camera around KL because it’s been a while and I miss wandering. Maybe, well now that I mention about camera maybe I’m going to bring to work tomorrow and take photos as I walk to work!

If you notice, my goals are very generalized and I would say they are simple goals. I don’t really have a big ambition like aiming to become a ceo by certain age, own a car or something similar to that. Its not because I am against it or not also because i dont aim high in life. I always admire those who have specific, detailed goals in life. Mine, on the other hand is tinyyyy bit different. I do have dreams, they differ in some ways but i work just as hard to obtain them. I believe strongly that hard work pays off and when you do something, always put a hundred percent effort and give your best. Our goals may vary but at the end of the day, the key to achieving it is the same and that is to do your very best.

There are some days I feel lousy with myself, days where I just give up on the things I want to fight for in life, but I know some things are worth fighting for, especially when it means so much to you. And these goals I listed out, general as they may be, means a lot to me. I wouldn’t want to go through 2018 and look back, failing to achieve all this. It would feel like I have lost myself in the journey if that happened.

Anyway, that’s basically my 2018 goals. I’m sure you already figured some of your goals as well, but if you haven’t don’t worry. You don’t need for it to be a new year to have new resolution. You can wake up one day and just decide that you’ll live your day differently from now on. A goal can be made anytime, all you need is determination and some extra effort in your action. Take time to figure yourself out. There’s plenty of room to improve, you can never meet an end to learning so gain as much as you can.

Here’s to new goals and dreams, may life be filled with plenty of them and none of those negative setbacks.

Im alive, still.

Its been a while since I posted something even I have a hard time digesting that January is almost over ! Where did the time go,did it somehow slipped through or did I spent too much of my time sleeping . . .( maybe its because of the latter, that’s why). I haven’t got much time to catch up on green lifestyle, or anything else actually but I thought it would be nice to have a post on 2018 progress. I think I also figured some 2018 goals which hopefully will be ticked off by end of this year; I usually just forget them after a while so posting it here will be some kind of proof to make sure I won’t divert from my goals! But first, updates.

Life’s been pretty alright I would say, for a new phase. When I was in school I couldn’t wait to work and forget about all those class timetables, tutorials, exams,etc etc. Now that I’m working, I really truly from the bottom of my heart miss school timetables. Remember all those time after lectures where you get maybe a two hour nap or even better, rest of the day off? Well, not anymore now you don’t have that when you work full time. You don’t get to skip work simply because you don’t feel like it today. Don’t get me wrong though. Work life is indeed different than school with more commitments, but it’s in a way exciting because you learn and grow at the same time. There is always something new to learn, no matter how much you’ve learned. Too much in fact, because sometimes I feel like I literally start from zero when I learn about something. That’s work, which is going okay so far.

As for life updates, I have no idea where to start. It’s been pretty interesting, one way to put it. I learned that prioritising my time is so important and to just focus on the people who have already given me so much. I wished I had the luxury to catch up with everyone but my situation does not allow me that much of leisure time. So I mostly dedicate my life going back and forth between work and family with some catching up with close friends when I have extra free time. Talking about love life on the other hand, I’ll just be honest and say I literally don’t know how to anymore. I get it the fact that I would love to have somebody but then when I actually think about doing something, I just turn back and return to my comfort zone again. It’s like so much concerns will be on high alert when I think about the idea. I don’t know if that’s normal although I think it is but we’ll see how it goes for 2018. I guess it’s a matter of putting my concerns to rest but to find someone who is able to do that, even I feel sorry for the guy because I don’t know how either.

But you know what, 2018 experiences made me realize how our country lack public access to rubbish bins that have recycling option, it also got me thinking about how I can incorporate green lifestyle in this hectic schedule of mine and keep up with new green updates at the same time empowering others to do more for the environment. I love the fact that I am working towards expanding the renewable energy market in this world but I would love to also focus on the smaller things such as our daily habits and routines. As for now, I try to recycle all the papers I print at work, I bring my own water bottle and I walk because nothing beats a good morning walk. It’s like a therapy of its own. I wish I could do more, or introduce more environmental friendly habits to others so we could all practise together but at the moment I’m still figuring out everything. I’m hoping that once I’m a bit more settled I’ll be able to incorporate more green habits in my daily life and perhaps do a log or something to stay motivated and track my personal eco achievements.

There you go. That’s basically almost everything. Maybe it’s not but I’m too tired to think abt anything haha! I hope I’ll be updating the blog soon with more stuff like new ideas, habits and some insights on the eco-friendly updates.

Time to sleep now then!

T-6 days.

I find it difficult to believe that 2017 is coming to an end in a few days. This year truly felt like a spinning wheel, everything was constantly moving and things were moving pretty quickly. I have to admit that 2017 is probably going to be a year I’ll always remember because so much happened, so many life-changing decisions were made this year and I personally felt the impact of each and every event that has occurred.

I’m happy and glad at the same time that I was able to wrap up my 2017 at Outward Bound, a week long camp away from everything and everyone focusing on myself only. Never in my life have I ever imagined kayaking 20km or hiking the whole day but I did it no matter how ridiculous it sounded to me. It felt freeing to be away from gadgets and going back to basic lifestyle, appreciating nature and life without technology. It felt rewarding to be able to complete the camp in one piece, unhurt physically and mentally. The timing was too perfect in the sense that it was the best ending I could imagine for an eventful year.

Looking back at 2017, it feels like so much changed. I recalled blogging about New Year at the airport, talking about my goals for the year and it did not even feel like 12 months has passed since. This year is the year I learned about being emotionally independent. I realized certain things about affection, or more like what we assume we know about others feelings. I learned that feelings fluctuate and that’s okay. It happens to everyone, more often than we actually realize. I also learned that some things are not said out loud, but they reflect in others actions. We may not always understand why someone react the way they do but it may be wise to defer judgement until we figure out the reasons behind it. This may sound cliche but yes I did learn that people change, yes they do and that’s fine. We all go through some changes as we go on in life.

This is the year I challenged myself to new things ; did my first all girls road trip in Spain, stayed on a boat, traveled alone to places, graduated for the first time ever, lived alone, put myself out there and give my best in everything I do, stay awake for 48 hours because of exams and so many more. I decided to step up and be brave to face whatever that was coming my way. I enjoyed the freedom of being alone and putting myself first. I focused on grabbing opportunities that was good for me. I allowed myself to make mistakes, take day offs and rest when my body needs it. I cried so much this year and I told myself that it was okay because I laughed a lot too. It was a roller coaster ride for me, with so much happening at a time and living by the day wasn’t as easy. But that’s why 2017 is a memorable one. It made me open my eyes about the blessings I receive within all the challenges I faced. I feel like nothing could prepare me for this year, both the bad and the good. This is the year where I’ve completed all the paths I’ve known since young. What’s next feels blurry because there isn’t any specific paths to go on now.

2018 will be a new beginning with no guidance whatsoever on my future journey. One second I could be doing this and the next second I could be changing totally my life course. What do I expect from 2018 – I have no idea. Previously, I could list down my goals, but for 2018 I’ll keep it to only one, the one that matters regardless of how things may change and that is to do my best in whatever that comes my way. So, here’s to welcoming a new year, a brand new chapter . May it be filled with countless blessings and more life-changing experiences.

Privileged, but . . .

I came across a video today about the obvious truth about people and privileges and it got me thinking about a few things. First was on how interesting life is, that every single minute, even the uneventful minutes, once it has passed there’s no rewinding it back. It’s sort of like writing a book but without an eraser. Then, it got me thinking how blessed my life is and all the privileges that I was born with yet probably took it for granted too many times.

Looking back, I feel that everything has been arranged so beautifully that every life is a masterpiece of its own. But then, similar to the creation of a forest it’s beautiful not because the forest have not been through any rough days, rather its the opposite. We only say it’s beautiful because it has unfold its stories, faced through storms and grew back from the start, the flowers bloomed and fell and bloomed again until it grows to become a huge land of trees and nature from just being a single tree. I guess life in a way works that way too. If we focus on one event, we only see the negative or demotivating side of it. But when you see it from a different viewpoint, a much bigger one you’ll learn to understand that life has been arranged in such a way that you learn and continuously experience something that is needed for your growth. It’s not always sunny days because even the rainy days are sort of a blessing in disguise; something you don’t want but it’s probably something you need. Life is such a beautiful creation because its a combination of your efforts and the universe.

I don’t know, maybe I’m seeing this in such a positive manner because I’ve never went through the different troubles in life. I’m not sure if my thoughts would be like this if I was born in an unstable country, growing up facing gunfires and bombs instead of being in school. I probably won’t be as positive, or maybe I would realize it even earlier. That is why, when we listen to others talk about their problems, no matter how trifle it may be to you, please don’t judge their problems. It’s fair for you to give opinions and listen but to belittle others problems, I think that’s not something we are entitled to do because what each of us face in life is different and making comparisons would be unfair to all.

The thought about life also made me think about privileges. I always hear people saying things like this person was born rich, obviously they have better chance at surviving this world. Indeed, it is true. I cannot even try to disagree with this statement because if you have the means and can afford the world, then you will be given the world. Thats literally how the world works. And it’s not anyone’s fault that some people are privileged. But do we just not do anything about it ? I thought real hard about how lucky I am to be blessed with such supporting family. I was given additional support in education when I felt like the school syllabus wasn’t enough for my understanding. It’s probably why I am able to score good grades in school. I didn’t have to worry about working part time to support myself while studying. Everything I needed, my parents did their best to provide it for me. So do I feel proud when success is what I got in return? Those who don’t have the same privileges might question your success or wouldn’t take it as serious. And I understand fully why they would feel that way, it isn’t a fair opportunity for everyone.

But while agreeing to this, I must say that it’s not right when you say there’s nothing you can do about it. You can, to be honest. Make good use of your privileges and with those privileges, create opportunities for those who are not as privileged. Some people work for the money, some desperately work because they need the money. While you’re happily enjoying the big monthly salary, maybe some are struggling to meet ends. So with that power you have, you help them. Its fine to help in monetary form but we are not santa claus. Instead, help them grow so they can reach out to more opportunities. Help them grow in ways that you are able to help. Don’t make them feel dependent but assist them so they can stand on their own with the privileges you’ve obtained thanks to life’s doing. You were born with privileges, they are yours but that doesn’t mean they are only meant for you. Its there so you could help those who needs it. When we’ve got more than what we need in life, giving back is only natural. Because who else would right ? What we thought is ours by right, is probably true but it comes with a bigger purpose than just for us. So use that as a tool to make changes, to help and to grow.