Loving you.

I was about to open my dad’s bedroom door when I saw something touching; my teenager nephew hugging my mum and saying comforting words to his grandaunt. My heart broke the same time i smiled.

Naturally, people would be sad when the ones they love are in pain. I still have a difficult time expressing what i feel, i think my answer will usually be its okay. But there is this thing in my heart, i can’t explain the feeling except that sometimes before i sleep i wished i could just fall out of everything. And i wish that was it. But today i realise, love do things to us. And it affects people differently too.

I see how some people express their love to my dad; by caring for him and making sure his needs are taken care of. Some visit every now and then, just so they can see his face and say a few words to him, despite having to travel long hours. Then there are those who cries when they see him, and with tears falling they say their prayer hoping for the best.

But there are also those who show their love by leaving. And sometimes they leave not because they’re ignorant but because they cannot face it. To be honest, i feel that i used to belong to this group. Probably still is. I fade away from things that affect me emotionally. I care, but there are times i cannot take it because it’s too much. My love however, isn’t any less than those who show up. It’s just not expressed in the same way as others. Unlike the rest of the family, i find comfort in seeing my dad first thing every day before i start and letting him know when i’m home. I talk to him, but i know he doesn’t really care for this world anymore so i tend to just stand beside him and massage his head lightly. I don’t bother him much with what happens except some bits and pieces of details in my life. I talk to him more about him, asking which part of his head needs to be scratched or massaged. There are also days that i just keep to myself. I’d just lie in bed with my laptop, watching from one thing to another, or doing something while ignoring everything else. It isn’t because of ignorance or my lack of love for him but i need time, so that i can face it all again.

Its like there are cracks all over and i need some time off to patch it up before going through everything again. I really wish i could fade away forever, it seems like theres always this part of me that breaks every now and then.

But it doesn’t mean i love any less. We all have different ways of loving and coping. There is no one right way. Just because others do it a certain way, that doesn’t mean it should be done in that manner. I may not have any answers to what is the right thing to do, but i can say that i understand.

Sometimes it’s difficult to say what you feel. It’s easier to say everything is okay, in fact it’s almost too easy to act like it. I hardly know what to say when people ask, I wish they rather not because I don’t know how to say what i feel. If i could let them touch my heart and read it themselves, i would do it. But that isn’t how it works, not in reality at least.

Love itself is such a puzzle. We all love differently, some probably speak through their eyes instead of words. And i learn today, there is no such thing as i love him more or other people love him more. We all love equally, just differently and in our own way. The person you love may or may not know it but that’s okay. Because loving someone isn’t so that you can ask to return the favor, but because your heart sincerely want to feel that way.

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reminiscing.

It felt odd, going back to the place I’m familiar with but this time with a different purpose. It’s as if I am familiar but in a new territory altogether, suddenly realizing it’s not the place I missed but rather the phase.

That was what I thought about my work trip recently to the UK. I wouldn’t exactly say I was excited, as I went there feeling a mix of anxious, nervous, worried if I don’t do well and a consistent pressure at the back of my mind on work. But the trip itself as a whole, gave me a new experience and I was glad it was done in a place I’m somewhat familiar with. I didn’t think it was possible not to be jet lagged but then in between sorting out meetings and working dual time zone, I was awake most of the time and slept when I needed a break, jet lagged the least of my concern.

I thought it would be the same like when I was back there for university but the feeling was different. I was there, but not to visit any parks, cafes. Instead i was there to meet working people like myself and even more experienced than I am. It was empowering to see different work culture and work place, the environment and even the working mood; flexible yet productive. I liked how I was given the chance to speak and lead some of the meetings, but with some comfort that my superior will navigate so I won’t go off topic or say something unnecessary. Thankful for a superior that allows me to grow rather than just take orders, I went back from the work trip with a new sense of motivation in work. It’s like I fell in love with my work and I want to grow and be good at what I do. Meeting people who are experienced in the field I work, listening to them talk about the market and current issues amazes me. I appreciate the vast knowledge sharing and admire those I met as we discussed in meetings. If you could equate this to football or other sports, it’s like a newcomer meeting David Beckham and learning from him and his team, listening to their ups and downs, tactics and everything that is within the field.

So as i walked pass by shops i used to go during my uni days, i felt different but with a sense of familiarity, knowing that there was a phase in life i was happily exploring and skipping around this country and what i thought was worrying back then, is probably small compared to now. The streets got me missing that phase when i could plan the day playing, or lazying around but without those memories, it’s just another place in this world. Realizing that, I figured if I were to go there again it wouldn’t make me feel the same because I’m creating new memories now with a new phase in life. And that just once again proves to myself how important it is to live to the fullest at every moment, because reliving some memories may not give me the same feeling and it makes me want to even more give my best in life so I have no regrets later on.

On a side note, it’s second day of Eid here in Malaysia so not too late to wish Eid Mubarak to all who celebrates. May we all have a blessed Eid with our loved ones, our Ramadhan deeds accepted and we forgive each other to start new from here onward.

Home.

It’s been a year. A year since I finished my degree, a year since I came back home for good. Doesn’t feel too long though, not when you wake up wishing time would slow down instead. It’s also been a year, slightly more since my dad fell ill but so much changed throughout this period. And it made me realize so much, one of it is about the family. Seeing as to how we all went through this together, having to face the unexpected and work it out, I feel like it gave me a chance to learn more about everyone in the family. There are days we fought and argue, the kind that used only words but they bleed nonetheless. Mum would go on about how her children pissed her off and somehow, I’ll be involved because she’s upset and frustrated. But despite all that, as a family we all would come together again. And somehow, now that a year has passed, we sort of get a hold of our respective roles, accepted the sacrifices we had to make and learned to compromise with so many things.

For me, I used to disagree on how things were too much on me. For example, managing the house shouldn’t only fall on my shoulder, I always said to my parents the brothers should know how to cook too, not just for themselves but for the family (everyone in the family has different taste you see, especially the guys). I disliked how it’s my fault automatically when there’s something wrong with the house, like as if I was the only person living in it. I specifically did not like it when everyone got upset, blamed me and said that I wasn’t doing anything because it felt unfair. But nowadays, it’s different. I just learned that maybe part of adulthood is having to carry more responsibilities even if you don’t want to and maybe, just maybe sometimes your life isn’t the same like other people. I accepted that there will be less time for myself, and more for the family.  I’ve accepted that managing the house falls on me, among other things that I need to know and learn. And I guess mum emphasize that on me also because she felt the need to prepare me for my future. She didn’t want me to be dependent on anyone, that is as if to say even if one day my partner walks out of me, she wanted me to be able to work things out. It’s a crazy thought but mum being mum, and after watching her go through all her hardships I personally understood her view, although I may not like how I needed to know everything sometimes.

But looking at my brothers now, they all too sort of fell into routine. My eldest would take care of the medical issues related to my dad, together with mum. They make the call and do all the consulting, discussion with doctors. My second brother would manage dad’s hobbies like taking care of the birds, his farm and also other things dad used to do to occupy his time. My sister in law would help out too, and she mainly sort out hers and her husband’s laundry which is such a relief for me. Now that we got a maid, it feels like such a blessing because if not, I wouldn’t know how to do it anymore. We’re now preparing to bring dad home. I have no idea how other people do this kind of thing, but it’s definitely a lot of work and requires so much patience and the obvious thing, money. We got him a medical bed, sorted out the stay-in nurses and now, I’m left with making clothes for dad. It’s probably going to be a bit hectic for the next few weeks, having to adjust to a new routine and all, but I’m hoping that like before, it’ll get easier somehow. We were weighing between keeping dad in a hospital that provides all the facilities and expertise at caring for him, but I guess in the end dad would feel at ease if he’s home. It would be comforting for him and for us to know that we are close to him all the time and if it’s time for him to go, it will be hopefully in our presence.

I’m just going to say this random thought before I leave this post, but I think despite all the hardships I wouldn’t want my family in any other way. It isn’t perfect, but our relationship is true. It keeps me close to understanding what reality is like, and how a family supports each other in all this madness reality has in store for us. And for that, I know all the sacrifices we had to make will be worth it because it’s for the family.

 

 

blank.

I wish I could blog about something more exciting, but my posts have been really gloomy and I’m sorry for that. It’s best not to read this if you’re not up for something sad. Because I’m not really good at expressing my feelings in person, I feel that writing is the only way for me to let go of my thoughts. And so, I’m going to write it down here since this is a long overdue post, thoughts that’s been haunting me for awhile.

Things got worse for my dad. I’m not going to say the condition, but it’s not looking positive to a point that the doctor says there is no hope. But whether it’s true or not, we can only leave that to God. It’s sad to wake up one day and receive news like that, having to prepare yourself that the person you love may not be here anymore with you. But what rips my heart out is having to hopelessly watch him in pain and I can’t do anything except to be present so he knows how important he is in my life. I can’t help wishing everyday for his pain to be taken away, in any way possible although that may mean that he will leave me because letting him go so he won’t be in pain anymore is better than having him with me and watch him suffer of sickness which i can’t even help make it better.

Everyday, I pray that his pain will be less and he’s given the strength to face this positively. It’s difficult visiting him, talking to him like usual and updating him about my life without having tears in my eyes but I smile, so that he wouldn’t feel sad about his condition. It breaks my heart, really and it doesn’t get easier with every visit. Being home makes it just as hard too. Realizing that he won’t be around to save me from lizards, he won’t come and take a nap in my room while I watch dramas, and I won’t be able to tease him about flirting with girls. There’s so much of my dad that I will miss and the loss would hit right in my face real hard. I won’t have anyone to catch me in the sea if I drown, nobody to understand my film camera talks and music. I won’t be able to make jokes with him and get angry playfully because he does something crazy.

My future. That’s the most painful part, not having him around to be the person that will marry me off to another guy. I wish it would be my dad that will let me go to the hands of another person, and having somebody else do it on behalf won’t be the same as having him to do it. He won’t get to know my future partner, if I have one. My future kids, they won’t get to see him. I won’t have him by my side when I’m pregnant and crazy. I won’t get the chance to show him how I am as a mother one day and how I love him despite his weird ways of taking care of me.

Knowing this, and realizing that any day now he’s leaving us makes me feel like I wish I could drown and find a place quiet enough from all this. I wish I could be far away from everything and not face reality.

But then again, here I am. Because despite wanting to run away, I think it’s more important to be strong for him. I guess that’s what you do when you love someone and they mean so much to you. You be there for them, you do it for them because without them, your heart is probably just an empty soul.

celebrating nature.

Earth Hour took place last weekend, a time where the whole world unite and come together to help earth be a better place. Earth Hour; to some may be only an hour event that occurs annually but to many people out there it means so much more than an hour of switching our lights off.

I first learned about sustainability and the importance of recycling when I was in university. Before that, I’ve never really given much thought about it. Of course there were activities in schools and we were taught about recycling but it was only in university that I saw the bigger picture of how important it is to live a green lifestyle, if not fully at least to adopt where possible. Perhaps it’s because when I was growing up, all the hype around me isn’t ethical consumption that I became ignorant to conserving the environment. It was to a point that I did not even realize the impact of my daily consumption towards the environment. It’s the little things I do like throwing the plastic bottles in rubbish bins instead of recycling, using plastic based items that’s easily disposable and many more. If I skim through my daily lifestyle from A to Z, I could list a whole bunch of how un-environmental friendly my routine was, probably still is but less now than I am more aware of the issue but it just shows how normalized it has become until we don’t notice that we are bringing harm to the environment by consuming harmful products. I don’t know if it’s because of modernization and new technologies, demanding things to be produced cheap, durable, easily disposable, fast among other criteria but it has led us to live a life that abuse the resources provided by earth and instead destroying them in the long run.

Having said all this, to celebrate Earth Hour this year I told myself that I would pledge to try to live a greener lifestyle. I want to start small, probably by reducing my daily consumption of unethical products that brings harm to nature like contributing less to the usage of plastic straws by bringing my own, although I know it’s not that easy to bring your own straw everywhere you go, reduce water consumption and air condition at home, walk and use public transport more instead of driving and most importantly to be more mindful of what I consume. I know sometimes it may not be easy to change because the surroundings may not be suitable with your new aims. For example, you may want to stop using plastic straws but naturally every shop here in Malaysia serve drinks with straw. You may want to use public transport or walk more but the weather isn’t really friendly here and not all places has access to public transportation. On top of that, there’s security to think about too. Nobody said changing lifestyle is easy. It’s because our lifestyle is influenced by our surrounding. Unless everyone change towards a greener lifestyle, there’s always going to be barriers around you, challenges you need to face and try to overcome.

Do not take that negatively though, instead consider it as a challenge so you can improve and innovate along the way. I cannot really remember who said it to me when I was younger but I remember clearly the person told me if he would choose where to live, he would choose to stay in a place where the economy of the country is volatile. Why? Because that’s where all the problems are and that’s also where you’ll learn the most in the corporate world. When you come out of all those challenges, you’ll be rich with experience and knowledge.

Same applies to this issue, there are many problems to tackle but this is also the opportunity for us to change what we can that is within our control. Starting with yourself may seem too little of a change but once you start, slowly it’ll impact your surrounding and when more people switch lifestyle, it automatically shifts the market towards a greener market for consumers and that, that is the power each and everyone of us in this world holds.

I may fail or I may be able to meet my personal sustainable goals but what’s more significant here is that, I’m willing to give it a try and start changing.

And that is what Earth Hour meant to me this year. It was an hour, but one hour is enough to remind me of what’s truly important in order for us to continue living comfortably in this world.

I hope Earth Hour means something to you too.

mellow update

I think the plan to blog more and keep track of life will need some revision to it to perhaps casual blogging as and when I am able to update. I never thought work could take away so much from you but wow, not even a year has passed but I feel like so much changed. Emotion wise, it feels like I have felt more in these few months of working than my entire three years of hectic university life; from being stressed to anxious to happy and it changes rapidly from one to another, leaving me drained by the end of the day. Gone are the days where I could simply take a day off from everything because I woke up feeling like it’s a good day to be carefree. I obviously love my work because there’s so much to learn and discover daily and it’s exciting despite the crazy workload. I like how working is also a platform for me to continuously learn something new daily, exploring and creating more room for self-improvement.

One thing I realized, working in a fast paced environment requires me to make a good judgement on when to stop and give myself some time to readjust.

It can be overwhelming at times, emotionally it can be exhausting too which is why it’s important to not let it get to you.

I remember the first two month of work I just could not even function when work came from all sides. I would be stressed out, figuring out how do I finish this and get it right. I don’t even know if work life balance existed for me at that time. But as time pass by, I learn that when a huge workload comes your way you got to take a moment to restructure everything before you start. It really helps with the panic attacks that happens frequently when you’re chasing deadlines. If your mind is stuck, take a break. I know, it feels so absurd to be taking a break when you have so much to do and so little time. But, I figured out that taking a break do help. Yes, it does. I had this work I needed to do within a timeline which required me to learn from scratch and I took days to work on it, but it was more like just generally understanding the work instead of actually doing it because I was stuck at the same question of how do I do this. It was after I gave myself a break from it entirely, allowed myself to think of other things before coming back to the same question that I managed to unwind myself from the position I was stuck.

However, I do have to admit that I’m still working on coping with the emotional roller coaster rides. I could go from being sad to stress within seconds it’s crazy. Anxiety visits me quite often since I started this new phase of life. Sometimes I feel like juggling between work, family and myself takes up so much I barely have time for social life. There are days I feel so alone, struggling to cope with all this myself. But I know, I have so many people around me to turn to for support which is such a huge comfort for me.

I think this may sound odd, but I am going to say it anyway.

Growing up, being an adult is not as glorious as we all thought it would be. There are of course the sweetness in it, entering different phases in life but one thing for sure is the responsibilities to carry grow as your age increases. And experiencing all this leave an entirely different impact than simply knowing it. Although I do admit that it is in this process that I learn about myself a lot. Slowly in this process I get to know myself, how I am as a person, understanding my own needs, expectations and capabilities. Of course there are also days where I just wish I can be married with six kids in a cute little home, far away from all this hectic city life but not too far to a point that I disconnect from the world totally, waking up to my partner and having random talks about anything and not having to worry much about things in life. Then there are also days I wish I could drop everything and be somebody else, like a textile designer or something. But reality now isn’t so bad too and I am grateful as it is for the constant blessings. I guess that’s what growing up do to you. It makes you discover what is it you want out of life and all your different priorities.

Goals

Remember in my previous post I said I figured out some of my 2018 resolution and want to do an update on that but ended up posting without any? Well here’s a follow-up post on that, sorry for skipping that out I was half asleep trying to finish that post (the struggle was too real). Anyway, with some free time I miraculously have tonight after dinner, I’m going to write down about my dreams, aspirations, my personal motivation etc etc. I’ll try to list out everything so that I can remember later on what is it I wanted to achieve this year.

Here goes my 2018 list:
• dedicate more time to my family and loved ones because they matter more than whatever this world has to offer.
• be more functional mentally and physically.
• work on my presentation skills (giving a speech makes me all jittery)
• be content with life
• learn to take on challenges as they are and bend instead of break
• work on the understanding of my faith and religion
• to be empathic with my surrounding and not let the harsh reality of this world make me bitter
• to learn and understand the concept of green lifestyle and try to adopt them, no matter how small the act is.
• to be stronger physically so i can hustle through my days and not feel too exhausted
• improve in any aspect by the end of the year, knowing that whatever it is i learned throughout this year would have at least impacted myself
• to find love and blessing in every event regardless of whether they bring happiness or sadness

Aaaanddd. . . I think that’s about it for now. I could go on talking about the breakdown of my goals but lets not. As for now, my short term goal would be to survive life; juggling work, passion, family and friends is not easy, soon adding to the list is my studies. Phew. That and I’m hoping to be an excel wizard somehow, someday in the next few months or so (keyword: hoping). Not that it’s at the top of my list but I’m also hoping to own a tablet that allows me to draw and doodle because this girl needs that function in her life now more than ever. All this stress making me want to doodle more and more. I also hope to have more time to use my film camera around KL because it’s been a while and I miss wandering. Maybe, well now that I mention about camera maybe I’m going to bring to work tomorrow and take photos as I walk to work!

If you notice, my goals are very generalized and I would say they are simple goals. I don’t really have a big ambition like aiming to become a ceo by certain age, own a car or something similar to that. Its not because I am against it or not also because i dont aim high in life. I always admire those who have specific, detailed goals in life. Mine, on the other hand is tinyyyy bit different. I do have dreams, they differ in some ways but i work just as hard to obtain them. I believe strongly that hard work pays off and when you do something, always put a hundred percent effort and give your best. Our goals may vary but at the end of the day, the key to achieving it is the same and that is to do your very best.

There are some days I feel lousy with myself, days where I just give up on the things I want to fight for in life, but I know some things are worth fighting for, especially when it means so much to you. And these goals I listed out, general as they may be, means a lot to me. I wouldn’t want to go through 2018 and look back, failing to achieve all this. It would feel like I have lost myself in the journey if that happened.

Anyway, that’s basically my 2018 goals. I’m sure you already figured some of your goals as well, but if you haven’t don’t worry. You don’t need for it to be a new year to have new resolution. You can wake up one day and just decide that you’ll live your day differently from now on. A goal can be made anytime, all you need is determination and some extra effort in your action. Take time to figure yourself out. There’s plenty of room to improve, you can never meet an end to learning so gain as much as you can.

Here’s to new goals and dreams, may life be filled with plenty of them and none of those negative setbacks.