I wish I could blog about something more exciting, but my posts have been really gloomy and I’m sorry for that. It’s best not to read this if you’re not up for something sad. Because I’m not really good at expressing my feelings in person, I feel that writing is the only way for me to let go of my thoughts. And so, I’m going to write it down here since this is a long overdue post, thoughts that’s been haunting me for awhile.
Things got worse for my dad. I’m not going to say the condition, but it’s not looking positive to a point that the doctor says there is no hope. But whether it’s true or not, we can only leave that to God. It’s sad to wake up one day and receive news like that, having to prepare yourself that the person you love may not be here anymore with you. But what rips my heart out is having to hopelessly watch him in pain and I can’t do anything except to be present so he knows how important he is in my life. I can’t help wishing everyday for his pain to be taken away, in any way possible although that may mean that he will leave me because letting him go so he won’t be in pain anymore is better than having him with me and watch him suffer of sickness which i can’t even help make it better.
Everyday, I pray that his pain will be less and he’s given the strength to face this positively. It’s difficult visiting him, talking to him like usual and updating him about my life without having tears in my eyes but I smile, so that he wouldn’t feel sad about his condition. It breaks my heart, really and it doesn’t get easier with every visit. Being home makes it just as hard too. Realizing that he won’t be around to save me from lizards, he won’t come and take a nap in my room while I watch dramas, and I won’t be able to tease him about flirting with girls. There’s so much of my dad that I will miss and the loss would hit right in my face real hard. I won’t have anyone to catch me in the sea if I drown, nobody to understand my film camera talks and music. I won’t be able to make jokes with him and get angry playfully because he does something crazy.
My future. That’s the most painful part, not having him around to be the person that will marry me off to another guy. I wish it would be my dad that will let me go to the hands of another person, and having somebody else do it on behalf won’t be the same as having him to do it. He won’t get to know my future partner, if I have one. My future kids, they won’t get to see him. I won’t have him by my side when I’m pregnant and crazy. I won’t get the chance to show him how I am as a mother one day and how I love him despite his weird ways of taking care of me.
Knowing this, and realizing that any day now he’s leaving us makes me feel like I wish I could drown and find a place quiet enough from all this. I wish I could be far away from everything and not face reality.
But then again, here I am. Because despite wanting to run away, I think it’s more important to be strong for him. I guess that’s what you do when you love someone and they mean so much to you. You be there for them, you do it for them because without them, your heart is probably just an empty soul.