I was about to open my dad’s bedroom door when I saw something touching; my teenager nephew hugging my mum and saying comforting words to his grandaunt. My heart broke the same time i smiled.
Naturally, people would be sad when the ones they love are in pain. I still have a difficult time expressing what i feel, i think my answer will usually be its okay. But there is this thing in my heart, i can’t explain the feeling except that sometimes before i sleep i wished i could just fall out of everything. And i wish that was it. But today i realise, love do things to us. And it affects people differently too.
I see how some people express their love to my dad; by caring for him and making sure his needs are taken care of. Some visit every now and then, just so they can see his face and say a few words to him, despite having to travel long hours. Then there are those who cries when they see him, and with tears falling they say their prayer hoping for the best.
But there are also those who show their love by leaving. And sometimes they leave not because they’re ignorant but because they cannot face it. To be honest, i feel that i used to belong to this group. Probably still is. I fade away from things that affect me emotionally. I care, but there are times i cannot take it because it’s too much. My love however, isn’t any less than those who show up. It’s just not expressed in the same way as others. Unlike the rest of the family, i find comfort in seeing my dad first thing every day before i start and letting him know when i’m home. I talk to him, but i know he doesn’t really care for this world anymore so i tend to just stand beside him and massage his head lightly. I don’t bother him much with what happens except some bits and pieces of details in my life. I talk to him more about him, asking which part of his head needs to be scratched or massaged. There are also days that i just keep to myself. I’d just lie in bed with my laptop, watching from one thing to another, or doing something while ignoring everything else. It isn’t because of ignorance or my lack of love for him but i need time, so that i can face it all again.
Its like there are cracks all over and i need some time off to patch it up before going through everything again. I really wish i could fade away forever, it seems like theres always this part of me that breaks every now and then.
But it doesn’t mean i love any less. We all have different ways of loving and coping. There is no one right way. Just because others do it a certain way, that doesn’t mean it should be done in that manner. I may not have any answers to what is the right thing to do, but i can say that i understand.
Sometimes it’s difficult to say what you feel. It’s easier to say everything is okay, in fact it’s almost too easy to act like it. I hardly know what to say when people ask, I wish they rather not because I don’t know how to say what i feel. If i could let them touch my heart and read it themselves, i would do it. But that isn’t how it works, not in reality at least.
Love itself is such a puzzle. We all love differently, some probably speak through their eyes instead of words. And i learn today, there is no such thing as i love him more or other people love him more. We all love equally, just differently and in our own way. The person you love may or may not know it but that’s okay. Because loving someone isn’t so that you can ask to return the favor, but because your heart sincerely want to feel that way.