Family and wishes

I wonder sometimes what it’s like to have many siblings, a big family living together under one roof. Every time I see my mother and her siblings catch up and talk non-stop for hours, visiting from one house to another and together they work to take care of their father, I kept thinking how nice it is to have a big family. Coming from a family with only 2 older brother, it gets a bit lonely at times. Of course when we were younger, we siblings fight almost every other week; some arguments brutal than usual. But now that we’re older, it hits me when I realize I only see my brothers during dinner and even then, some days they are not around for dinner as well. I’m so used to seeing them on daily basis like when we were younger it actually makes me sad that we spend less and less time together as a family. And it gets even lonelier when I’m the only girl in the family. I’ve always learned how to adapt to my brothers’ interest instead of expecting them to understand me because it’s easier that way. Growing up, I constantly learn to enjoy watching action movies instead of chick lit dramas. But I never regret involving myself in their lives because it made me feel like I’m part of the team. There are days though that I have things on my mind, problems I would love to share but I couldn’t say it since they’ve never listened to my issues. In a way, growing up, I felt a lot of emotions but I didn’t share them with my family and it felt so lonely to carry them all myself.

Its total opposite when I see the relationship between my mother and her siblings. And I envy that sort of relationship, that chaos and even arguments or the long talks about their worries and problems and joy. It made me wish that when I have a family on my own, I’ll make sure that it never gets quiet in our future home. We’ll have our kids laughter echoing or their screams and cute little arguments or the early morning breakfast rush . It doesn’t matter as long as its not lonely and quiet. I long for a big family and I told myself that I will give each and every one of them lots and lots of love so they’ll always fill my life with happiness. I wouldn’t want to be so engrossed with work that I don’t have time for them, that I won’t be involved with them or be there for them when they need their parents. I want to watch them grow and go through every phase in life, guide them when they need the guidance and understand them when they have different views. I wish to have a family where the kids are not afraid of their father but have so much respect for him. To come back to a family of my own in a place full of love I call home. Isn’t that what we all want in marriage?

But then again, that is if I find my future person 😂 (insyaallah I’m sure He knows best)

If you have siblings who are overlyattached, who always fuss about you and worry about your welfare, never ever brush them off. Appreciate those moments and love them back because you never know when they will leave you and go on with their lives.



Phuket & Elephant.


My recent trip to Phuket included a visit to FantaSea, a huge theme park in Kamala and definitely a tourist attraction. Yes I was aware about the heated discussion regarding the use of elephants in their performances before I went on the trip. But because my trip consist of people with different views (which is something I do respect), I thought why not go see it for myself and understand more about the issue.

I’ve been following articles about the exploitation of elephants in Southeast asian countries, mainly Thailand and the recent news about elephants dying because of exhaustion have angered many people globally. There were petitions to make TripAdvisor stop promoting animal-related tourism activities and lots of NGOs voiced out their concerns about these animals. There were several things I realized during my visit to FantaSea.

First, I understand now why it is not easy for people to make a change in the situation although many petitions have been created. Why? The FantaSea attract over 4 000 visitors a day and the elephant and culture night performance is the highlight of the theme park. If you’ve been to Phuket, you would know that the area is not well developed. The tsunami tragedy a few years back has done quite a damage and the people there are still trying to cope with the sudden loss of income and accumulated expenses from the tragedy. The theme park create job opportunities for the locals, probably one of the biggest recruiter in that area. Because people depend on this theme park and the income it brings to Phuket, it won’t be easy for the authorities to take action unless the fault is clearly visible along with evidence of torture and exploitation.

Second, during the performance I realized that the elephants were very well trained they listened to every instructions without a problem. It was weird in a way for me to watch because the animal doesn’t behave in its natural state anymore like elephants in the wild. But later on it striked me that Thailand and elephants have a long relationship. The thai people worship elephants, it’s one of the reasons why it’s their national animal. It has been a tradition for over centuries in Thailand to use elephants as mode of transportation. Back in those days, the king will mount on an elephant for transportation or even during war. Their relationship with the elephants go way back that they even have a Thai legend saying that a marriage is like an elephant – the husband is the front legs that choose the direction, the wife the back legs, providing the power! We feel it is morally wrong to use the animals as form of entertainment for tourist attraction but from their point of view, they see nothing wrong with training elephants as they have done it for more than a hundred years.

The visit showed me a bigger picture for both side of arguments. While the Thai believe that this is a tradition that must be uphold, others may not think the same due to culture and interest differences. Some of us focus very much on animals welfare but we do have to understand a nation’s culture as well. When I first spoke about this issue, a friend of mine said what about horse training? We use horses for transportation, we do horse racing and make money out of it and there are lots of horses dead because of it. What about using cows in paddy field? Or bull race ? Those are all influenced by culture and tradition as well.

The crucial difference here is that, the elephants are facing extinction. Perhaps because the world is getting a bit too cramped and small for them to live in that they have to blend with the humans and do their biddings. But what truly matters here is that, while I can respect the culture, I do believe an emphasize on animal cruelty should be said not just for elephants but all animals. Since the Thai have long relationship with the elephants, through the training the elephants should be well taken care and properly fed. The animal’s welfare is just as important and illegal trade should not be allowed since they hold high respect for their elephants. It is important to understand both the culture and also to ensure that the animals are not being exploitated for their body parts, especially one that involves animal killing.

I am indeed quite against using the animals to do our bidding but it is a culture that I also respect and hence I do understand their perspective. But illegal trade and exploitation of animals together with neglected animal welfare is something I’m strongly against.

Now, if I were to create a petition I wouldn’t say stop or ban animals related activities because that is part of a country’s culture. Without it they won’t be unique anymore, no identity. I would rather go for protect animal welfare and tighten the law on taking good care of the animals they keep. Any form of abuse should be reported and charged for neglect in responsibilities. The animal related business should contribute to animal conservation on regular basis and help fight against illegal trade.

The visit indeed gave me a better understanding on the issue. Perhaps I did understand better or perhaps not but this is my view on the matter.

you know . .

Some of you have been asking me lately how I’m doing . If you asked me the same question the first few days it happened, I would have given you no answer. Instead you’ll see lots and lots of tears. But that was the first few days. Not anymore. So here’s my answer now 🙂

Yes, many of us have tasted loss, pain and hurt. I admit that it is painful, it hurts when you realize it’s the end. The chapter written for 3 years plus found its ending unexpectedly and so I felt a lot; confusion, lost, pain, shock. But that isn’t the end of the world. You still breathe the air like you always do. Somehow you’ll learn to get your appetite back because you need to live. The sun still rise every day and you still do what you need to do. It would be weird to say this when it’s over only recently but I am indeed coping fine on my own. I wouldn’t say that I could forget but only because I don’t see why I should erase those memories. Not that it is easy, yes sometimes you think about all those happy days and you do get sad thinking how it’ll never be that way anymore. But it doesn’t hurt me to think about it. Because I choose not to see it as something hurtful.

Instead, I see this as something that wasn’t meant to be. Although it ended quite terribly, that doesn’t mean that I hated the person he became. I still remember all the first experiences I learned from us, how I constantly pushed my limits so I won’t always be in my comfort zone and along the way, thanks to him I have gained so much. I learned to be confident, to take responsibilities and I learned how to love and prioritize. A mistake on his part, although what he did was wrong doesn’t mean that I forget all that he’s done previously. I consider this as what I would say it is what it is meant to be nor do I blame him for what happened.

No, I don’t fill myself with hatred of what’s been done. And trust me, I know the pain you feel when you realize things you don’t want to know wishing that it isn’t true. But in the end, hating will only hurt you more. When a person gets hurt, they need to heal not continue fighting their way round. How do you heal yourself when you have so much anger? So much hatred? Some might feel that I’m stupid for letting this go. But choosing to walk away when there’s so much you could have said and done shows how strong you are because what’s important is not the blame game anymore, but it is to protect your own heart from the pain. I forgive, because in the end why go through the trouble of hating a person and torturing yourself every time you see him feeling like you shouldn’t talk to him. It’s you not anybody else that will feel the pain so why do that to yourself? Let go instead, forgive and pray for better days. I have learnt to love, gave my all and do all that while I grow as a person. In the end, I have no regrets because I know I did my best.

So if you were in my shoe trying to find the logic behind my reason – ask yourself, why drown yourself in sorrow, pain and resentment when you have a choice to make it better? Is it worth it to wallow in misery and spend ages on hating others when during that time you could do many great things that lift you up? The pain you feel, it is because you want it to be there. Don’t hold on to it. Let yourself breathe, be happy and find the little things that matter to you.

People often say they need to escape from all the pain weighing them down, but to me every day when I wake up that’s my escape from yesterday. And I choose to appreciate all the other good things that happens in life instead of letting myself drown.

You think you had it bad, but the truth is what we feel is nothing compared to some of the challenges people face in this world. So don’t ever think that it’s over. Your life, it’s not over. And while you cry because you feel that it’s not the same without him, you can’t live without the other person, God is crying by your side because He would never put you in so much pain unless it is for the better.

So, today I’m letting you know that I’m fine and I’m taking it in one day at a time with laughter, smiles and more laughter 🙂

The inspiration.

Nowadays, I look at the world and all I think about is how to make it better. How to help and reach out to those who are suffering, crying and hopeless. Once upon a time, like any other kid I was ignorant. Ignorant of the world; what matters is the things that happen in my world only, without knowing that this place does not revolve around me. I guess as you grow up you experience more in life and you realize that you have the power to make a difference. It isn’t what that inspired me but it was whom. Tunku Zain, the one leader in Malaysia I truly respect and no doubt probably the best (this is me being biased though) changed my perspective in life. I came across an article written by him on the newspaper about changing Malaysia and the first thought that came into my mind was that he writes it in a way to make people think of the matter and rationalize it for themselves instead of telling the readers what to think. He doesn’t influence people’s choices but instead he creates awareness on the issue and let people decide for themselves what should be done. Since that day, I constantly keep up with the things he does for Malaysia. And to be honest, the things he’s done so far has always been about helping others or Malaysia. He’s worked all over the world and with that valuable experiences he shares it with people, empowering the children today and make the difference he can in Malaysia. Not only he’s a genius but he writes, he participate in charity organizations, he give talks all the time and he makes time for the people. If you’re not familiar with his title, you would have thought that he’s just an ordinary citizen of Malaysia. He does not put himself above others, instead he tries to be as close as possible to show how much he care for his people. And even when he already have so much to offer he is constantly educating himself, travelling all over the world to gain more knowledge. Tunku Zain might already know this but he is truly an inspiration to many people out there. He gives back to the society in ways that he can, he helps shape the mentality of Malaysian citizens and he reach out to those who needs help.

Not only that he’s accomplished so much, but even with all that success, title and wealth he is never arrogant. You can see from his personal instagram account just how loving and caring he is towards others. And I hope one day there are children that will call him father because children deserve people like him as their father. One glance at him and you already know that if he were to have kids, they would be showered with so much love and kindness. And to see how amazing of a person Tunku is despite the challenges he faced in life is just truly inspiring. I learnt so much from him, and this is just through observing what he does. I don’t even know him personally but yet he taught me so much especially about how I can make a difference in this world within my own capabilities.

He’s done so much for Malaysia and for that, thank you. Thank you for giving Malaysians hope, for being the person he is and inspire people.