fickle heart.

[The title is currently a song I’m listening to by Ira Wolf , just fyi *in case you wonder what’s with the title]

Today’s just one of those days I feel totally wiped out and I really, really miss the days where I can read up about the things I like, write about sustainability or animal protection. Finding ‘me-time’ now is so rare, but its common among us students. I’m sure you’re probably struggling to find some free time too with all that assignments pilling up and other commitments just keep coming. I thought I’d just take a break from everything before I start again with work and write something here to release stress. And figured I’ll write about how much I’ve grown for the past years since I came to the UK. It’s just that when you take a moment to look back, it feels like you’re growing so much and I don’t know maybe because I’m getting older, there’s just more things to think about rather than focusing on the fun things in life.

I have never imagine myself as how I am now, I don’t know if that make sense or not. I used to hate so much talking in public. You have no idea how scary it gets for me when I hold a microphone so yes, I never performed on stage before. Even when I had to make presentations, my voice would tremble and I usually just blurt whatever it is I can think of which sound gibberish. I am going to admit here that my confidence level was terrible, it still is honestly but I think the younger me would be so proud of how far I’ve come and actually overcome some of my biggest fears. University life changed me so much. It made me grow in a sense that I have all this freedom in the world and I had the option to choose what I truly want my life to be; I could take the easy road – study, have fun, get my degree and that’s it or the other road that challenges me to see the world in a wider perspective, be involved in many things, meet different people from all around the world, all that and get my degree. Thank god I took the tougher road because it taught me things I never knew, made me see in a different light and constantly helps me build my principals.

When I first came to university, I had no other expectation except the fact that I am now away from home and less grounded as compared to back at home. Being a girl and the only one, I was always so protected by my family which I love dearly but it keeps me from discovering myself sometimes. So, to be honest my real reason for studying away from home is so that I can figure out who I am, understand and learn about my capabilities. And I believe that God is truly great because the university I am at now helped me in so many ways in finding my true self. To think that how a simple thought about wanting to raise money for the society and have nicer food on campus got me a position in the society that I truly treasure. It made me realize what is it I enjoy doing. Opening that door then made me more confident in taking other opportunities that came my way. If it wasn’t for fundraising, I wouldn’t have realized how much I love the process of pitching ideas, the process of raising money and the marketing part of it. In a way, I’ll always treasure my position as a Fundraising Officer in the Malaysian Society as it gave me the courage to explore and challenge myself. I had an interview today and they asked me what’s my biggest achievement. I could have said many other things but I said this was my biggest achievement. It might not seem much to some people, but it is one of the most meaningful achievement for me. It changes my views on value of money, charity and even got me interesting about how the world works. I learned how to give not with a burdened heart but rather thinking it as a way of sharing the blessings I receive in life. I became more aware of my surrounding, be more thoughtful of others’ pain instead of just mine. I learned how by giving we could change lives. It lead me to more life changing experiences like doing a placement in my second year with the International Office, be a student ambassador for the university and these experiences got me out of my comfort zone. I couldn’t choose who I want to talk to so I had push myself to talk to different people, listen to different stories and be more confident in voicing out my own opinions. Frankly speaking, today I can easily engage in a conversation compared to when I was younger. Obviously not as good as a public speaker, I’m far from that level but at least not too shitty anymore (believe me, I was such a coward when I was younger). I went on, taking the learning opportunity at Khazanah, an investment company in Malaysia, ran for a position with Students’ Union in charity and fundraising and it got me thinking that I should challenge myself and tackle a bigger picture which is one of the reasons why I am in The Kalsom Movement now, a student-led charity body focusing in education. So much happened for the past few years and I have progressed along the way. I am happy that my strengths are put to good use and slowly I am overcoming my weaknesses and that I am growing as a person- growing to be ready with bigger responsibilities and duties in the future. I appreciate how all these challenges in life made me see things differently.

This were my thoughts while I spent two hours on the bed this afternoon trying to sleep but I couldn’t. My life has come to sleeping three hours at night so I could do a good presentation in a job interview. Never have I thought that I will be that person, trying and challenging myself to give the best. How so much has change. Shitty things did happened to me throughout this past few years, some even worst than others but I like to believe that God really loves me because He gave me so much strength, helped me in every step and bless me with loving family and friends. It made me want to give back to the world, give as much love as I have received in my all my years of living. I want to make the world a better place, teach my children what love means and help lessen the tears of those suffering from pain.

So I would say, if you were given a chance to do something take that courage and do it. You never know how it can change the direction of your life or how much impact it will have on you as a person. You never know unless you take the first step and never, ever be afraid of taking that first step. Be the person that your younger self would be so freaking proud of, be somebody you want your siblings to look up to. The world is indeed yours if you truly believe it.

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