It’s my last few days of autumn term and I’m so glad I survived this term, like literally. Finally some time to breathe and catch up on other things peacefully (not that I put aside anything while I’m busy with work). This is going to be a really long post talking about almost everything I have on my mind for the past few weeks, or maybe months?
First, let’s talk about how this term has been treating me. One word; CRAZY. I don’t know if it’s because final year or what but there’s always something that needs to be done. Last I remember, I swear I did more in my second year and still had time to rest, watch dramas, go out, be lazy and still do fine. Final year is like me trying so hard to not drown in a swimming pool. There’s just so much to do and yet you have no idea what is it you’re after. When I have some free time all I do is either sleep a little longer or just be lazy and spend time with friends but that’s about it. For me, my life is waking up every day with a list of things I have to do for the day. Sometimes I wonder if this is what it’s like growing up and have more responsibilities. I know it’s something so trifle to talk considering how others have bigger issues to struggle with but it made me think that is this all there is to life? What about the constant need to explore this world or simply to just live life without a specific direction and to discover along the way. So many what ifs and what could have been. I’ve been telling myself how fast time flies and every single moment is so precious. You breathe in and out and suddenly you notice that it’s been five years since you last wore a school uniform. Soon, I’ll be moving on to the next phase, leaving uni behind for new beginnings and what not. I wish I had more time, time to seek for answers. But I have no idea what I’m searching for. Is it the usual routine of working after graduate, get a stable job, find a boyfriend, get married and have kids and live happily or will it be more than just this like travel the world, lend a hand at every stop I make, touch different soil and breathe different air, learn about people, about the world and along the way find that someone who loves you, have a family and live a happy life together. I don’t know to be honest, so many questions and yet I find myself unsure of what to do next. But I believe whatever path I decide on, it is a blank canvas that will be up to me to make it as meaningful as possible. I’m excited to see what future has in store for me, but also nervous, worried, scared and every other feeling mixed together. Some days I wish I was taking a gap year instead of graduating. Some days I’m just happy that I’m already earning money and am mentally prepared to work in the future. And then, some days I just feel like I want to be a cat with a really good owner who cuddles with me at night and let me have everything I want. That’s what autumn term did to me. It made me question so many things, changed my perspective on several things and taught me how to appreciate my surrounding and embrace whatever scars I have. It made me realize how scary time can be, it can make you feel like there’s forever but before you know it you’re halfway there to your third decade alive on this earth.
Which also got me thinking about love. I spent three and a half years loving, getting to know someone and try my best to make sure the relationship ends with a marriage but it didn’t work out like how I wanted it to be. All that effort and time and yet it didn’t work out. I was afraid, still am now as to how I’ll ever start again. To open up to somebody, to understand and learn everything about them, to give your trust and just love. I know marriage doesn’t mean it’s a happily ever after and it’s not the end of the world just because things didn’t work out. Don’t get me wrong, I fully agree that it’s never definite even after you’ve tied a bond together but I’m a firm believer of happy endings and I think once I love, I settle for it, seal my heart and focus on other things. But the break up got me thinking about how nice it would be to get to know a person with no expectation whatsoever, find a person compatible with me rather than putting the idea of relationship and to only love and commit after marriage. It’s sort of a wake up call for me, that it’s not about wearing matching shoes, doing the same thing or that relationship goals. It’s about how compatible you are with a person and how you can like a person as they are rather than making them who they are not. To be able to get to know someone without any expectation that they’ll be helping us survive this world but also feel the comfort of knowing that somebody is there if you ever need a person to talk to. I guess as we grow old, reality vs expectation in relationship is so different. Or maybe it’s just me giving up on being hopelessly in love and vulnerable.
This then leads back to my endless questions of how am I to live this life meaningfully? I’ve been quite slow on my charity support because I’ve been so caught up and partly demotivated. It’s like you take one step in the effort and the world just backfires you 100 steps. It’s a constant battle and some days you’ll feel that it’s all for nothing. But I know every effort makes a difference. I wonder how the activists fight their battles every day. Their daily lives would feel like a roller coaster, with all the ups and downs and the struggle to raise awareness and fight systems, change views, It’s impressive, really. Sometimes I feel it’s never enough no matter how hard I try. But in comparison with what others are doing, I’m probably giving only a tiny dot of contribution to the efforts so I should learn to give more instead of asking if it’s enough. And then, there’s also the issue of having so much to do. I want to save tigers, but also other animals. What about the animals in the ocean then or the forests that are burning down or the animals dying because of illegal trades. Not to mention the issue with pollution, excessive consumption, release of carbon, and so so much more to think about. It makes me feel so confused on where to start, what should I do and how do I even change everything. Sometimes I wish people would be less greedy in power, less ambitious but more considerate in loving others, more compassionate when it comes to lives. So much could change if people can focus on these instead of fighting over political power, making billions of profits although they are beyond rich. If people value lives more than they are right now, we wouldn’t be having wars, killing others like it doesn’t matter. I just wish the hearts we have could be a little softer and kinder.
So this is basically my thoughts during the term. Putting the stress aside, I’m finally going to winter wonderland this Sunday, watch a ballet performance and explore the flower market. Winter break will be a mix of work, spending time with friends and travelling (of course I’ll study in between). Hopefully I’ll have more time to focus on the things I like doing and clear my mind. I’m currently knitting a blanket for charity campaign which I hope will be done soon as the temperature is getting lower. Here’s some links for you to check it out before leaving. I came across this video on Fashion Industry and how over consumption is polluting the world. The Law Society had a fundraiser last week for Redress and I taught I should check it out. The video is a talk by the CEO and Founder of Redress on her views about pollution caused by fashion industry. It’s really interesting (makes you question if you need to shop this Christmas :p) and I think it’s a friendly reminder to us all about our priorities. Also, an article about Aleppo and what you could be doing. It saddens me to see what’s happening in Aleppo and not just there but everywhere else around the world. Someone said to me before, we constantly strive to be better and fight the demons who try to lure us to the dark side but I guess the demons we’re fighting now are us humans.
That’s the end of this really quite long post. Happy holidays for those who are having their school/term break! Spend your last few weeks of the year wisely, love a little harder, laugh more and make others happy.