So last weekend I finally watched my first ever Malaysian Night in Cardiff (just the first half though) and I must say it is good to see students so committed to their passion and just unite for this event. I came to Cardiff to see my best friend back in college since it’s my final year here and I really wanted to visit her there. Planned it all out since Autumn term not knowing that I would have to skip a workshop on Friday and have a test the day after I’m back home . . . cries internally. But putting that aside, the weekend trip was amazing, met so many friends and although I was busy I tried my best to catch up with them. I remembered going back after event around 2 30 in the morning and wanted to have pillow talk with Mira, but I was too sleepy I eventually said ridiculous stuff that did not make any sense at all. She gave up on me telling me to sleep in the end . Besides seeing friends I did meet a lot of new people, listened to interesting talks and opinions on the current issues in Malaysia. It was a much needed time away from Colchester to keep me motivated about the things I’m doing.
But what really struck me is the people around me and myself. Someone said to me before that I’m such a happy person. Which I guess to me wasn’t really a bad thing. I think sometimes I laugh too much, even at the silliest things. Some view me as someone who is still very childish and well, I know I can be one when I want to but that’s not all there is to me. I smile because it’s likely the only feeling I’m comfortable to share with others. I laugh it off instead of elaborating any comments because to me, why should I? I keep telling myself that people don’t need to know my problems because everyone has things to deal with and me adding to it won’t bring any good. It feels strange when people talk about things that remind you of your scars, but because you know they don’t know so you just brush it off. It isn’t others fault though, I feel that everyone have a wall they build around their heart. We make a stranger out of ourselves, not sure if that make sense to you but it does to me. I wish I could somehow talk about it, but I don’t think I can bring myself to trust another person easily anymore. Picked up all the broken pieces myself the last time I trusted a person, I don’t think I’m able to even bring myself to think of the possibility of going through it again. I read a book about war in this bookstore I came across recently and although I didn’t buy the book, there was a phrase that caught my eyes. In my pain, I find laughter and in my sufferings, I learn to be gentle with souls around me. It made me realize that we are all somehow facing our own battles, but we don’t show it to the world because we create a barrier with the outside world. That doesn’t make it any easier to face all our problems so as a stranger, the best thing you can do is to give those who cross your path a smile and hopefully some good laughs.
And the thing with trust which I hope you people out there understand that yes we make mistakes and that is absolutely fine. But it’s crucial to realize that you actually made a mistake because we never know how it affect others. That’s the problem with feelings. They don’t provide any absolute answers and the risks you take, you can’t calculate them neither can you predict the future. The least you could do when you make a mistake and break the trust is to apologize and not make it worst. Think about the people around you instead putting yourself first all the time.
I really hope , one day I’ll find a reason good enough to bring myself to love again even with all the risk.
Anyway, things happen for a reason and I’m sure it was ripped away from me mercilessly for a good reason.
On a side note, the test today was . . . okay ? It wasn’t easy but it was bearable. I tried so hard not to sleep while doing the paper but my eyes keep closing I almost scribbled gibberish stuff instead of writing my answer. Oh wells, what’s new about me. Clumsy and sleepy is my middle name. I think the only other feeling I share with people is me being serious when I’m sleepy (which is almost all the time).Thank god mum named me as the light that shines because if not, I wouldn’t even have all the light and laughter to laugh at my pathetic clumsy life.