stranger.

So last weekend I finally watched my first ever Malaysian Night in Cardiff (just the first half though) and I must say it is good to see students so committed to their passion and just unite for this event. I came to Cardiff to see my best friend back in college since it’s my final year here and I really wanted to visit her there. Planned it all out since Autumn term not knowing that I would have to skip a workshop on Friday and have a test the day after I’m back home . . . cries internally. But putting that aside, the weekend trip was amazing, met so many friends and although I was busy I tried my best to catch up with them. I remembered going back after event around 2 30 in the morning and wanted to have pillow talk with Mira, but I was too sleepy I eventually said ridiculous stuff that did not make any sense at all. She gave up on me telling me to sleep in the end . Besides seeing friends I did meet a lot of new people, listened to interesting talks and opinions on the current issues in Malaysia. It was a much needed time away from Colchester to keep me motivated about the things I’m doing.

But what really struck me is the people around me and myself. Someone said to me before that I’m such a happy person. Which I guess to me wasn’t really a bad thing. I think sometimes I laugh too much, even at the silliest things. Some view me as someone who is still very childish and well, I know I can be one when I want to but that’s not all there is to me. I smile because it’s likely the only feeling I’m comfortable to share with others. I laugh it off instead of elaborating any comments because to me, why should I? I keep telling myself that people don’t need to know my problems because everyone has things to deal with and me adding to it won’t bring any good. It feels strange when people talk about things that remind you of your scars, but because you know they don’t know so you just brush it off. It isn’t others fault though, I feel that everyone have a wall they build around their heart. We make a stranger out of ourselves, not sure if that make sense to you but it does to me. I wish I could somehow talk about it, but I don’t think I can bring myself to trust another person easily anymore. Picked up all the broken pieces myself the last time I trusted a person, I don’t think I’m able to even bring myself to think of the possibility of going through it again. I read a book about war in this bookstore I came across recently and although I didn’t buy the book, there was a phrase that caught my eyes. In my pain, I find laughter and in my sufferings, I learn to be gentle with souls around me. It made me realize that we are all somehow facing our own battles, but we don’t show it to the world because we create a barrier with the outside world. That doesn’t make it any easier to face all our problems so as a stranger, the best thing you can do is to give those who cross your path a smile and hopefully some good laughs.

And the thing with trust which I hope you people out there understand that yes we make mistakes and that is absolutely fine. But it’s crucial to realize that you actually made a mistake because we never know how it affect others. That’s the problem with feelings. They don’t provide any absolute answers and the risks you take, you can’t calculate them neither can you predict the future. The least you could do when you make a mistake and break the trust is to apologize and not make it worst. Think about the people around you instead putting yourself first all the time.

I really hope , one day I’ll find a reason good enough to bring myself to love again even with all the risk.

Anyway, things happen for a reason and I’m sure it was ripped away from me mercilessly for a good reason.

On a side note, the test today was . . . okay ? It wasn’t easy but it was bearable. I tried so hard not to sleep while doing the paper but my eyes keep closing I almost scribbled gibberish stuff instead of writing my answer. Oh wells, what’s new about me. Clumsy and sleepy is my middle name. I think the only other feeling I share with people is me being serious when I’m sleepy (which is almost all the time).Thank god mum named me as the light that shines because if not, I wouldn’t even have all the light and laughter to laugh at my pathetic clumsy life.

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beautiful women.

I had this thought the other day about how does one person define beauty in women, and then I wondered what is it that comes to their mind first thing when people ask about beauty. Do they look at appearance or other criteria first?

If people say appearance is the first thing they look to determine a person’s beauty, I would be slightly disappointed but also not surprised. We live in a world that encourage objectification of women and am comfortable being paraded around. However, we should realize there is a fine line between making women feel sexy and objectifying them for your personal benefit. There have been numerous campaign to put a stop in viewing women as an object, but rather to appreciate them as they are.

Beauty to me is subjective but is also so much more than just the appearance. Throughout my 23 years of living, I’ve seen many beautiful women and even men and I found a similarity in what I would say beautiful. To me, a beautiful person is somebody who spread positive vibes in their daily life. I am often charmed with those people who have so much warmth, so much laughter and always have something nice to say to others. Somehow they shine brighter than others and to me, that is so beautiful. I like seeing a person so passionate in doing what they love and work hard to achieve their goals. The heart and mind is a reflection of beauty, in my opinion and while appearance do reflect beauty to a certain extent, I feel that it is the heart and mind that truly shows what beauty mean.

I would define beautiful as someone strong enough to be able to stand on their own and be independent, someone who have been through a lot and yet choose to never let it affect their happiness, someone who is not scared to fight for what they believe in and protect those who can’t do it themselves. Beautiful is those women (and also men) out there who live to empower and lift others up not because it benefits them in any way, but simply because they can and they wish well for others. Beauty does not come in one size and it definitely is not measured based on appearance only. I cannot stress enough that women are not object to please others. Women are more than that and they should be appreciated for all the beautiful values they have in them.

So, to all my amazing women out there. Here’s a little note for you.

We seek beauty in the clothes we wear, the colors we put on our face and the painful heels but know that even if you are plain like a white canvas, you are undoubtedly beautiful because your heart is as pure as snow and your mind, it’s powerful enough to move mountains. And that my ladies, is the beauty that you hold in you. 

Reasons why we do it.

When I was younger, I often wondered why people would put in so much effort in volunteering. I mean, I’m obviously not a little devil that goes around not helping people, all arrogant and superior about being charitable I just wonder what motivates others to go all the way and extend not just a hand but probably their whole body, time and energy to help others. And I think, somehow after some personal volunteering experiences I have an answer that probably did not cross only my mind, but some of you out there too.

We do it because we are able to. It makes you feel good that you are doing something meaningful with what you have. Then, along the way you become passionate about it because a ball of positivity in your daily life will gradually accumulate to be a big bundle of sunshine. We volunteer because we have the power to change not only our lives, but also to make an impact in others. As we grow older, we tend to have a better grasp of our live and we know we are in control of what we do, what we believe in and what we choose to change. That is why, the news we read that were just news to us when we were younger, becomes something important as we grow older. Because we see how we can change what we don’t like or agree. And trust me, volunteering teaches you a lot without even you realizing it.

As a volunteer, you learn to be aware and attentive to your surrounding. You learn that in life, some people are born with privileges and some less so. The environment, on the other hand seems fine but is probably crumbling way faster than it used to. You learn to be attentive when talking to people, to be more sensitive about their situation because not everyone had rainbows while growing up. You cry because somewhere out there, there are people who sleeps in fear wondering if they’ll wake up to see the sun tomorrow. You used to think that animals feel nothing but now you see that animals need a proper home just like us and we are stealing it from them. As volunteers, you open your eyes to see beyond the noise. You learn why things are not the way it is  and the challenges some people face to put it out there on what is right and what is wrong. And I think there are many events that will really touch your heart, change the way you see the world and just makes you fall in love a bit more in helping others. So you become passionate about it. You love the fact that the little things you do impact others and in a way it impacts yourself too.

It’s one of the reasons why I joined all the things I’ve been involved. The curiosity about tigers lead me to watching how they were hunted, hurt in their own home because lack of protection. Once you’ve seen it how can you go back and think that it’s okay ? Because clearly it is not. So you start seeing what is it you can do to help and even if the progress is slow, you know that it’ll get there one day and that you should fight for what you believe in, your principals and how you envision the world to be.

Making that step to change is your choice. It isn’t a choice that requires courage to enter a job interview, but it does need motivation and perseverance. Know that your efforts are never in vain and that your little efforts will always, always impact on something. Be passionate about helping others , do something meaningful and explore the world in a different perspective. You never know what you will discover while you’re on your volunteering journey.

Here’s a current volunteer programme I’m involved in, The Kalsom Movement; a student led charity organization on eliminating education inequality and empowering children in Malaysia through education which I would like to share with the whole WORLD . Know that no matter where you are, what you do, you can make a difference. You can change a child’s future through education and only you can decide if you want to impact a life or not.

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