everywhere & all over.

Spring break has finally started, although it’s not exactly a holiday season for me – how can you relax when you have 7 papers to think about & interviews to prepare for?

Putting that aside, I would definitely appreciate some rest after a hectic term. Everything has been all over the place and I didn’t even have time for myself. Since my finals is coming soon, I’m thankful that I’ve completed all my other responsibilities and can now focus fully on my exams. I’m done with my internship (yay!) and there’s only small bits of work for other roles. This will definitely give me more time to focus on exams. Thank god too that I won’t be travelling for long because to be honest I wouldn’t know what to feel if I did.

Apart from university life which gives me 100 kinds of stress but also motivation, I think my emotions have been a mess recently. I know I sound like a spoilt child wanting to be home but I do have my reasons. Part of me understood the importance of me staying put and not adding to the burden, but another part of me wishes that I could be home when times aren’t the best. I mean how do you even be happy when the people you love are fighting battles? But I guess, being here on my own is a battle in a way because showing strength and giving the support while making it feel that it’ll all be alright requires a lot too especially when you’re alone here. If it were for me, I would drop everything and leave. But I know they wouldn’t want that so I keep telling myself ‘you gotta be strong for the people you love, Nad’ even if that means choosing their choice over your reasons.

And of course emotionally it gets messy sometimes for me. I think too much about everything, about how things have changed for me and how several occassions in my life that truly changed me in a way that I didn’t really like. I wish it didn’t affect me in a way that it did, but it did and I’m working on it. I keep surpressing my feelings because I feel that it doesn’t make any difference somehow. And when it gets too tough to bear, I sleep it off hoping it’ll go away. It’s not exactly a plus point that I find it difficult to cry even when I’m overwhelmed with feelings, but in order to cope I keep asking god to give me the strength, to be my anchor.

But there are times I find the people I love to talk about things or to just listen to what they are up to. In a way it helps me to find the strength I needed, even if temporary. I think things happened in life got me thinking twice about trusting and find comfort in other’s protection. I tend to just drown in my own worries and although its a lonely, lonely feeling I just don’t know how to bring myself to take the next step. So in the end, I only find temporary comfort in those I truly love as friends, not expecting them to even hear me out or understand but just to share some good laughs because it makes my heart smile a little that way.

I think in this life, we never know what’s going to happen. The people who love you, appreciate them and take good care of them. Make time for those who are important to you, give chances because you never know if they’ll leave before they had the chance to tell you what they wanted to. I know we all have been through some difficult situation in life, but give as much love as possible to others. We all have our own battles to fight, the least we could do it to make it bearable for each other.

And like a strong person we all are, never give up in believing because all the things that happened in life has its own reason for happening.

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stress, no?

Have you ever go through this period of time where you have deadlines every other week and in between all sorts of work come to you and you’re just like okay, I’m going to take it one at a time and you got it all under control until the last hurdle suddenly your body can’t take it so decides to fail on you? That’s me, right now. I think the stress due to workload is piling up and I can’t get it out of my chest it’s taking a toll on my health instead. I really wish I could cry easily because then, some of the stress would be relieved and I can let it go. I guess times like this makes me feel really really terrible knowing that I don’t have that anchor allowing me to fall back when I need to but I keep telling myself, He put you in a situation that will make you stronger and because He knows you can, so trust yourself girl. I had a talk with mum during the day about the things I’ve been working on because she asked why I’ve been quiet and it made me think about how my mum managed to do it all for us. This post is not really about International Women’s Day but while we’re talking about my mum, I do want to put it out there that women are beyond incredible. They have so much strength in them and it amaze me every single time how a woman can be a mother, a daughter, owns a job and be the glue to the family at the same time being a wife. Anyway, I wanted to talk about my mum because I miss her and being stress, all I can think of is how she managed hers.

Mum have always been there for me for as long as I can remember. I have to say that I am thankful our path crossed and she is the first woman I met in my life. She was so driven and motivated in achieving her dreams, I have always looked up to her. I remember those days when I was younger, she would wake up super early maybe at 4 30 or 5 in the morning, bathe, pray and straight away went down to make breakfast and prep for our lunch. I mean, really?! We had maid just so you now, and yet she prepares lunch for us. She made sure that we had food to eat and it’s not just one or two dishes but several because my eldest brother and I are slightly picky when it comes to food while the second love variation of food and doesn’t like repetitive menu (gosh, such demanding kids). Then after dad leaves for work, she would rush to get ready for work too. I remember sitting on the bed accompanying her and watching her pick clothes, apply makeup and send her off when I got no school. During my holidays, because I get so bored staying at home she always bring me to the office and show me what she’s doing. Mum generally have always talked about intelligent stuff since I was young, sometimes I don’t understand but she’s patient in explaining things. After work, despite a long day she would come back and straight away cook dinner for us. Because she needs to rush for Maghrib prayers, mum would go on full speed and the kitchen would be like on fire. Even until today, I still can’t really figure out how she managed to cook so many dishes less than an hour. Oh and yes, it is intense moment in the kitchen. If mum asked for green plate, it has to be a specific plate she wants. We had troubles getting the maid to coordinate with her style because mum is so precise in everything she does. But mum, she constantly motivated and disciplined me when I was young. ¬†She sent me to tuition when I was in standard 4 not because of anything, but she just wants me to do something instead of staying home. Ever since then, I’m always going on tuition although half the time I’m just there to play with friends.

As I grow older, mum was always involved in my life. She knew when I had boyfriends (although I didn’t want her to know, she found out anyway), understood my reason of skipping schools and always, always listen to my side of argument when we have differences. Trust me, I was a difficult child. I was restricted to so many things, maybe when I was younger I often feel like it’s unfair but now, I’m grateful to be discipline, to have my own principals and to learn to stick by it. I remembered that I was not allowed any outings, until I was form 5 i think? My first movie was The Bug’s Life with family and after that I’ve never been to the cinema until Bolt (the dog movie) came out which I watched it with my mum. I’ve never been on camps or even stay overnight somewhere else or even go on overnight trips. Because I’m the only girl, my dad sheltered me from so many things. He wanted to take care of me and I understand now why. Back then, not really so mum was the one who always balance things up, explaining to me why and listen to my views on all these unfairness. She was stern in her words, but also understanding. She makes me see the reason behind each argument instead of just telling me no. Not only she had to deal with me, but she had my brothers to deal with as well and all of us are close to her. We all had different sets of problems too. Mum manage the family, and although my dad played an important role too I think mum was the bridge between our dad and us. Because dad was more of an order person, I used to get defensive when he restrict me from some things. That’s when mum comes in. And of course now when I could see things clearly, I love my dad just as much. Oh and when I was younger, I used to cry a lot but mum always said you know what, if something so small like this and you’re already defeated, what makes you think you can survive the bigger world. She taught me to be stronger, to deal with difficult attitudes rather than whine about it. She made me think of a solution instead of complaining and asking for things to go my way. Even until today, mum would always challenge my thoughts. If I say I want to do something, she would be like are you sure, have you thought about this, that and covered from all aspects? what about the consequences, how are you going to convince your dad and so on. She taught me how to be thorough in deciding and to always think from different angle because in life, it’s not just about you. She taught me how to be more understanding, to see the reason why certain people behave certain ways instead of just judge them and say that they are inconsiderate. Mum, to me have always been amazing.

It is times like this that I wished I had an anchor. Well, I do have back home but they don’t really keep up with what I do here because they trust me to hold my own grounds and be independent.But when I’m forced to face this kind of stress I can’t deal with, I always remind myself the hardships my mum had to go through even when she was pregnant with me and how she survived every single day of it. I tell myself, if she could do it I could too. If she could hold her grounds despite everything else being shaky, I could handle my own problems. I hope one day, I would be just as strong as her. Mum is definitely a lioness.