the big decision

I was thinking about my first sentence for this post and the cliche ‘dear diary. .’ came up. I used to do that when I was younger though. The last week of December, every year without fail I would go to a bookstore and get a new diary. Every year too without fail I always manage to leave the diary hanging halfway through the year. I think I was sixteen when I realized the diary thing is not for me and I prefer blogging anyway so I switched permanently to blogging. I’ve had a few blogs from my school days which was mostly teenager stuff that I’m embarrassed to talk about because I mean at thirteen what kind of blogs would you expect ? I know it’s definitely not about the politics at that time or even about climate change in Malaysia. Tumblr was better, pictures and all which is bearable. I hardly use Tumblr nowadays but it’s still alive. Anyway, although I would love to, I shall resist the urge to start this post with ‘ dear diary . . ‘ because it’ll just be a post full of emotions and sappy things instead.

And before you even go there, no the big decision is not about getting married. It’s about graduation, or more like what I’ll be doing after graduation. I used to have this dream that I’ll take a year off after graduation and travel the world, maybe spend a month in Africa or in the Amazon jungle living as a part of the red indians tribe before I start my career. Wildlife is my thing you see, so any day any time I’d rather be surrounded by it but reality says the jungle I’m supposed to be at is the concrete jungle. So, no I won’t be taking a year off travelling from one national park to another. I’ll reserve that for another phase of my life. The past few weeks was juggling between assignments and job interviews. Did you catch that ? I’ve been to an actual job interview! Please take a moment to process this because even I’m still having a hard time believing it. Here I thought I could still pass as a school kid, but no reality had to hit me in the face about being old. Putting that aside, going to all these job interviews and having to make decisions about where to work, what to do and all made me realize that a job is more than just a job. I’m not sure if that make sense but I used to have this image that I’ll be working and it’s all good but I haven’t actually imagine working in which industry, what company, specializing in what field and so on. At first it was really overwhelming, you have to consider so many things including the pay, the opportunities, the potential growth, location etc etc. But then, I realized after considering a few of them I saw a pattern to my decision. I still did consider all the factors above but there was one thing that had the final say in all my choices and that was a question I asked myself for each job offer which is ‘ what is my motivation if I accept this job’. I turned down jobs that will potentially give me wider opportunities to explore because I couldn’t find my motivation to pursue that path and it surprises me to know that I’m okay with letting it go. You see, I’m the kind of a person that likes to take up opportunities and if I think I can do it, I would even if it’s just for self-satisfaction. So if you give me two choices, to work in a stressful environment that allows you to sleep only 4 hours a day or a nine to five casual working hours, I could totally do both working lifestyle. But this time, I choose to follow what I really want to do, not because society do it this way so I’m going to take the exact same path. And that’s absolutely fine , trust me.

Do something that you want to and find a job that keeps you motivated to wake up every morning and go to the office instead of finding excuses to have a day off. If you don’t have answers yet, explore all you like. Intern in as many companies, do different jobs and find your true place. Get yourself a job that will make you feel energetic even if you’re still working when everyone’s left the office for the day. Do something you’re passionate about and until you find the right job, don’t settle for anything less. Never compare yourself to others because everyone is different. As humans, our motivations are different so how can we compare our decisions. This is a path you will be taking alone and only you can answer the questions.

It took me a while to make my choice to be honest. I was weighing between going for a job that gives assurance in career growth or being part of something that I’m in love with. But in the end, I know I will definitely need the motivation for me to still be enthusiastic about being at work when I’m 12 months down the road. In a way, I’m also making sure that I will be that efficient worker who is productive and always contributing rather than a passive worker who won’t initiate anything beyond what is supposed to be done. I’ll be spending five days with the job anyway, might as well do something I enjoy.

My mum used to tell me know yourself before you look at others. We can all run but that doesn’t mean all of us can keep up at the same pace, some go faster and some a bit slower but eventually we all will get to where we want to be. Some climb the corporate ladder, some settle knowing that they could go further but choose not to because of other priorities. So if you’re making a big decision today why not look back at what is it that drives you forward ? Who knows that will help you answer some of your questions 🙂

On a side note, finals are so close I feel like crawling under my duvet and just hibernate until it’s time to go back home. I’ll be home after my finals which is something I’m looking forward to. Home feels like the only place I want to be right now. I’m definitely counting my days and marking my calendar because I can’t wait to see my family again and listen to their jokes over dinner, or laugh over something so silly it doesn’t even make sense but I usually laugh because they’re precious like that.

Oh and yes, I’ll update about my Spring break in the next post and share some photos I took. I’ll also do another post about my dilemma in changing my wardrobe to a sustainable one so look out for that one if you’re into sustainable lifestyle!

p/s: Hope you had a good spring break so far 🙂 The flowers are blooming even more now in the UK its so pretty everywhere I go.


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