I wish I could blog about something more exciting, but my posts have been really gloomy and I’m sorry for that. It’s best not to read this if you’re not up for something sad. Because I’m not really good at expressing my feelings in person, I feel that writing is the only way for me to let go of my thoughts. And so, I’m going to write it down here since this is a long overdue post, thoughts that’s been haunting me for awhile.

Things got worse for my dad. I’m not going to say the condition, but it’s not looking positive to a point that the doctor says there is no hope. But whether it’s true or not, we can only leave that to God. It’s sad to wake up one day and receive news like that, having to prepare yourself that the person you love may not be here anymore with you. But what rips my heart out is having to hopelessly watch him in pain and I can’t do anything except to be present so he knows how important he is in my life. I can’t help wishing everyday for his pain to be taken away, in any way possible although that may mean that he will leave me because letting him go so he won’t be in pain anymore is better than having him with me and watch him suffer of sickness which i can’t even help make it better.

Everyday, I pray that his pain will be less and he’s given the strength to face this positively. It’s difficult visiting him, talking to him like usual and updating him about my life without having tears in my eyes but I smile, so that he wouldn’t feel sad about his condition. It breaks my heart, really and it doesn’t get easier with every visit. Being home makes it just as hard too. Realizing that he won’t be around to save me from lizards, he won’t come and take a nap in my room while I watch dramas, and I won’t be able to tease him about flirting with girls. There’s so much of my dad that I will miss and the loss would hit right in my face real hard. I won’t have anyone to catch me in the sea if I drown, nobody to understand my film camera talks and music. I won’t be able to make jokes with him and get angry playfully because he does something crazy.

My future. That’s the most painful part, not having him around to be the person that will marry me off to another guy. I wish it would be my dad that will let me go to the hands of another person, and having somebody else do it on behalf won’t be the same as having him to do it. He won’t get to know my future partner, if I have one. My future kids, they won’t get to see him. I won’t have him by my side when I’m pregnant and crazy. I won’t get the chance to show him how I am as a mother one day and how I love him despite his weird ways of taking care of me.

Knowing this, and realizing that any day now he’s leaving us makes me feel like I wish I could drown and find a place quiet enough from all this. I wish I could be far away from everything and not face reality.

But then again, here I am. Because despite wanting to run away, I think it’s more important to be strong for him. I guess that’s what you do when you love someone and they mean so much to you. You be there for them, you do it for them because without them, your heart is probably just an empty soul.


Im alive, still.

Its been a while since I posted something even I have a hard time digesting that January is almost over ! Where did the time go,did it somehow slipped through or did I spent too much of my time sleeping . . .( maybe its because of the latter, that’s why). I haven’t got much time to catch up on green lifestyle, or anything else actually but I thought it would be nice to have a post on 2018 progress. I think I also figured some 2018 goals which hopefully will be ticked off by end of this year; I usually just forget them after a while so posting it here will be some kind of proof to make sure I won’t divert from my goals! But first, updates.

Life’s been pretty alright I would say, for a new phase. When I was in school I couldn’t wait to work and forget about all those class timetables, tutorials, exams,etc etc. Now that I’m working, I really truly from the bottom of my heart miss school timetables. Remember all those time after lectures where you get maybe a two hour nap or even better, rest of the day off? Well, not anymore now you don’t have that when you work full time. You don’t get to skip work simply because you don’t feel like it today. Don’t get me wrong though. Work life is indeed different than school with more commitments, but it’s in a way exciting because you learn and grow at the same time. There is always something new to learn, no matter how much you’ve learned. Too much in fact, because sometimes I feel like I literally start from zero when I learn about something. That’s work, which is going okay so far.

As for life updates, I have no idea where to start. It’s been pretty interesting, one way to put it. I learned that prioritising my time is so important and to just focus on the people who have already given me so much. I wished I had the luxury to catch up with everyone but my situation does not allow me that much of leisure time. So I mostly dedicate my life going back and forth between work and family with some catching up with close friends when I have extra free time. Talking about love life on the other hand, I’ll just be honest and say I literally don’t know how to anymore. I get it the fact that I would love to have somebody but then when I actually think about doing something, I just turn back and return to my comfort zone again. It’s like so much concerns will be on high alert when I think about the idea. I don’t know if that’s normal although I think it is but we’ll see how it goes for 2018. I guess it’s a matter of putting my concerns to rest but to find someone who is able to do that, even I feel sorry for the guy because I don’t know how either.

But you know what, 2018 experiences made me realize how our country lack public access to rubbish bins that have recycling option, it also got me thinking about how I can incorporate green lifestyle in this hectic schedule of mine and keep up with new green updates at the same time empowering others to do more for the environment. I love the fact that I am working towards expanding the renewable energy market in this world but I would love to also focus on the smaller things such as our daily habits and routines. As for now, I try to recycle all the papers I print at work, I bring my own water bottle and I walk because nothing beats a good morning walk. It’s like a therapy of its own. I wish I could do more, or introduce more environmental friendly habits to others so we could all practise together but at the moment I’m still figuring out everything. I’m hoping that once I’m a bit more settled I’ll be able to incorporate more green habits in my daily life and perhaps do a log or something to stay motivated and track my personal eco achievements.

There you go. That’s basically almost everything. Maybe it’s not but I’m too tired to think abt anything haha! I hope I’ll be updating the blog soon with more stuff like new ideas, habits and some insights on the eco-friendly updates.

Time to sleep now then!

dear you, thank you

Yet another sappy post about life and updates.

It’s Sunday and while many exhale gladly that the weekend is here, I’m just thankful I got a few extra hours of sleep last night. My laptop was neglected for the past four days, settling on my table collecting dust and I’m falling behind with all the tv shows ( my source of stress reliever).

The past few days have been hectic, yes that goes without saying as it already have been that way since Eid Adha but even more than the usual hectic. After spending weeks at the hospital, it’s finally time to recuperate at home. Sounds amazing, isn’t it except it’s not really ‘time to go back, we’re done!’ kind of situation. Things are a lot tougher at home because you gotta be the nurse, manage the house and with all that going on, try to focus on your own survival too. Not to mention how difficult it is to be out but I’m not too fussy about seeing the outside world for now. Managing time was so crucial because every three hours, it’s time for feeding and this isn’t some kind of normal feeding but ones that involve tubes, syringes and measuring cylinder. It still makes me nervous, the whole feeding process. One mistake and that’s it we got to make our way to the hospital again. So I pretty much work my way round the three hour schedule which starts at six in the morning every day. Yes, no more sleeping in for the day because it’s the weekend. It’s not exactly helpful that we lost our maid, again so I’m taking over for now and cleaning this house ain’t easy. The more I think about what needs to be done, the more I find it impossible so I end up telling myself to take it one at a time.

Nobody in this house says it but we all know that we’re all just barely living here. My brother’s been going everywhere sorting things outside that needs to be sorted out for the house, comes back and help me with the dishes, rubbish and even the laundry. All that while making sure he completes his duties at work and catch up with his MBA studies. Mom, she’s tired that’s for sure but she’s bracing it through like the superwoman she is. And all this made me think about how unrealistic it is if I were to whine and complain about this exhaustion.

But then, I’m thankful. Thankful for the people who are constantly in my life making me feel that it’s not too bad. Thankful because despite all this tiredness, we still could make jokes and laugh over the silly mistakes. My family isn’t perfect, but it’s a family I truly needed. I wouldn’t pick another if I had a choice, because they’re the kind of family that fits perfectly with me, flaws and all. And the people I love, my friends, I’m just so grateful that they exist as my friends. Their existence itself can already make me smile, what more getting random texts from them about their daily lives or listening to their rants. It helps with trying to survive here and I’m so so thankful that they’re always around to entertain my ‘what are you doing today’ and ‘this meme is so funny’. A friend of mine asked me if I was okay, if I needed to talk about everything and all I could say is what’s there to talk about? Some things are beyond us and talking is unlikely going to solve the issue and it will do things to my emotions and it’s not like we can do anything if we put our minds together to it. I’d prefer talking about those in my prayers. But then I told my friend that talking about everything else mundane, about our daily lives, about that traffic jam or really just whatever you’re up to, that really helps. I don’t know if they know it but those kind of conversation keeps me going even when I’m tired. Those kind of conversation are silent shouts to say that ‘you matter and I want to share this with you’ and that’s how my friends, they’re doing nothing out of ordinary but actually doing something so important to me. And it’s comforting to know that you are loved, although it’s not exactly put down in words but it is there.

I think I don’t say it enough because I’m so bad at expressing my feelings in words but I’m so grateful for the times that friends really just text me saying random things, sending photos of what they’re up to regardless of the different time zone and all those text notifications late at night making me think there’s an emergency. It mattered to me. And that’s how I learn to be okay even when nothing is okay. It’s enough to know that despite there are sad things going on in life, there are good ones happening at the same time too.

Things are too much for me, but they are bearable thanks to the people I love dearly. Thanks to all those random strangers that made my day by posting ridiculous memes or incredible photos of the world or whatever it is that they do so awesomely. I guess that’s how we learn to smile, by seeing the happiness of others and letting it make you feel it again.

everywhere & all over.

Spring break has finally started, although it’s not exactly a holiday season for me – how can you relax when you have 7 papers to think about & interviews to prepare for?

Putting that aside, I would definitely appreciate some rest after a hectic term. Everything has been all over the place and I didn’t even have time for myself. Since my finals is coming soon, I’m thankful that I’ve completed all my other responsibilities and can now focus fully on my exams. I’m done with my internship (yay!) and there’s only small bits of work for other roles. This will definitely give me more time to focus on exams. Thank god too that I won’t be travelling for long because to be honest I wouldn’t know what to feel if I did.

Apart from university life which gives me 100 kinds of stress but also motivation, I think my emotions have been a mess recently. I know I sound like a spoilt child wanting to be home but I do have my reasons. Part of me understood the importance of me staying put and not adding to the burden, but another part of me wishes that I could be home when times aren’t the best. I mean how do you even be happy when the people you love are fighting battles? But I guess, being here on my own is a battle in a way because showing strength and giving the support while making it feel that it’ll all be alright requires a lot too especially when you’re alone here. If it were for me, I would drop everything and leave. But I know they wouldn’t want that so I keep telling myself ‘you gotta be strong for the people you love, Nad’ even if that means choosing their choice over your reasons.

And of course emotionally it gets messy sometimes for me. I think too much about everything, about how things have changed for me and how several occassions in my life that truly changed me in a way that I didn’t really like. I wish it didn’t affect me in a way that it did, but it did and I’m working on it. I keep surpressing my feelings because I feel that it doesn’t make any difference somehow. And when it gets too tough to bear, I sleep it off hoping it’ll go away. It’s not exactly a plus point that I find it difficult to cry even when I’m overwhelmed with feelings, but in order to cope I keep asking god to give me the strength, to be my anchor.

But there are times I find the people I love to talk about things or to just listen to what they are up to. In a way it helps me to find the strength I needed, even if temporary. I think things happened in life got me thinking twice about trusting and find comfort in other’s protection. I tend to just drown in my own worries and although its a lonely, lonely feeling I just don’t know how to bring myself to take the next step. So in the end, I only find temporary comfort in those I truly love as friends, not expecting them to even hear me out or understand but just to share some good laughs because it makes my heart smile a little that way.

I think in this life, we never know what’s going to happen. The people who love you, appreciate them and take good care of them. Make time for those who are important to you, give chances because you never know if they’ll leave before they had the chance to tell you what they wanted to. I know we all have been through some difficult situation in life, but give as much love as possible to others. We all have our own battles to fight, the least we could do it to make it bearable for each other.

And like a strong person we all are, never give up in believing because all the things that happened in life has its own reason for happening.

Eating cereal and thoughts.

There are days when every single memory floods back and all I wanted was to erase that part of my life because everything was perfect for me before it came down crashing like that unexpected tsunami flooding a city. I hate it when its those days. Hate to remember. Hate to even feel. All I wanted is to forget. Because memories like those reminded me of how happy I could be when I love, when I give that extra effort in everything I do, when I had someone to talk to after a long tiring day and that someone to just be there. It reminded me of how childish I could be, how I am firm in my thoughts and yet gentle when loving because you never want to hurt what’s precious to you, reminded of how nice it is to talk about anything and laugh at everything. But above everything else, it reminded me of how simple life could be if everything was fine.

Knowing that there’s no way I’ll look back and open that door again makes me sad because this bittersweet memories was proof that I could love fiercely. If I had a choicd, I still wouldn’t go back because it’ll never be the same anymore. I moved on and looked forward. I don’t even think that I could feel the same way again.

But that doesn’t mean it did not left a scar.

I wish I could forget all of it. So that I’ll be able to remember what’s it like to fall in love with every silly thing and not worry about the mistakes, the pain and loss.

But then I told myself, it was there to make me realize how much I could give when I love and that I should give it to only those that truly matters to me. And not everyone that I love will give as much as I do. And that one day, a person who isn’t family will see me for who I am and still find that I’m worth being a part of them. And that’s what matters. And it’ll all be worth it. And when that time comes, we’ll learn to appreciate what we have and not take things lightly.

Eco & MY

[Put on the environmentalist hat]

Many of us can say the word pollution loud and clear, even know the meaning to it. The basic information like recycling bottles and newspaper, plant trees, no littering and all the small details there is about taking care of our environment based on what I recalled is something we learn during our school days. So why is it that it’s 2017 and we still get news about how our country is failing the mother earth bit by bit?

Implementation and practice.

We have all kinds of technology, we educate our children and provide them the knowledge about environment and yet we lack in daily practices. Before I came to the UK, I was probably just as ignorant about pollution in Malaysia. Yes, I did bits of recycling like the newspapers, clothes, plastic bags and such but that’s about it. It is only after I stayed in the UK then I realize the difference in level of commitments.

While we keep on saying in Malaysia that carpooling helps to reduce all kinds of pollution, we still prefer to drive our own car. Many reasons were given; the traffic is horrible, people need to be mobile so car is essential, there’s no other way besides driving. Some are probably true, but most of the time we tend to give ourself that excuses so we can take the car out for a drive comfortably. The public transport is Malaysia probably isn’t amazing but it is developing quite drastically and to be honest, it’s not bad at all. I remembered how KTM used to be older train coach and you’ll have no ventilation during peak hours (all you smell is people’s sweat) but last summer, I took the KTM and I must say it’s different. It was my first KTM ride after 2 years roughly and I realize the coach are new (or modified perhaps), there’s better air circulation in it too. The LRT on the other hand, is amazing. Apart from some glitches due to bad weather, it did a beautiful job sending me to work comfortably every day. With the rise in better public transportation, Malaysians should learn to change their lifestyle too. There are many people using it currently, but I think the goal is to encourage as many people as possible to shift to public transportation so Malaysia can focus on developing the system rather than building more highways and put up tolls (we’ll run out of spaces to build highways soon if we don’t give public transportation a chance). I really like the idea of commuting, it’s convenient, cheaper and you get to enjoy some time on your own before going to wherever it is you are heading. Countries like the UK, Japan and even most of the European countries have good access to public transportation. So maybe it’s time to learn from them on this too.

Then, there’s the issue of plastic bag bans. No, there is no need to get panicky about it. If others can do it, why can’t Malaysians? Are we truly going to put our convenience first? It’s understandable how going for groceries shopping may be tougher now or getting that takeaways but then, if we don’t start from somewhere we’ll never change. Plastic bags production may be profitable but in the long run it might not last. The world is shifting to a no plastic bag goal, so if you’re in a plastic bag business you should find new ideas, be more creative and adopt the new concept. There are many ways to make money but there is only one planet we can live on. If we can slowly change our habits and lifestyle, I don’t see any problem with less usage of plastic bags. It might take time, let’s be realistic here because we’re talking about changing people and the norm. But hey, there’s always that starting point somewhere right. Maybe slowly we can start bringing our own containers when we pack food or bring our own shopping bag when we do groceries shopping. A foldable trolley bag would be great invention, something that can fit inside the car, reused and lightweight because nobody wants to carry a heavy trolley everywhere. It’s good we’re starting to shift to being less dependent on plastic bags but we must also make sure the access to plastic bags alternatives are they so citizens can use the alternatives.

With a rapid increase in consumption, Malaysia definitely should focus on managing environment right. We need to ensure natural resources are sustained properly for country’s source of income. We need to enforce environment laws so that people obey what they should rightfully do. A recent article by The Star with heading that 1000 acre land was illegally cleared shocked me. It’s not acceptable at all that a land that huge can be cleared illegally without anyone noticing. Enforcement of law is the key here as well as nurturing ourselves at citizens of Malaysia. Apart from education system, engaging environmental issues is probably one of the primary target areas we should focus on as well. The environment not only acts as a source of income, it contributes to health and wellbeing of our citizen, influence tourism industry and many other factors. It’s time for Malaysians to hold their hands together and think about sustaining a healthy environment.

This is a friendly reminder to all Malaysians (including me!) to be more attentive towards mother nature, to continuously educate yourselves about the environment and your surrounding and of course to help shape a better Malaysia.

Family and wishes

I wonder sometimes what it’s like to have many siblings, a big family living together under one roof. Every time I see my mother and her siblings catch up and talk non-stop for hours, visiting from one house to another and together they work to take care of their father, I kept thinking how nice it is to have a big family. Coming from a family with only 2 older brother, it gets a bit lonely at times. Of course when we were younger, we siblings fight almost every other week; some arguments brutal than usual. But now that we’re older, it hits me when I realize I only see my brothers during dinner and even then, some days they are not around for dinner as well. I’m so used to seeing them on daily basis like when we were younger it actually makes me sad that we spend less and less time together as a family. And it gets even lonelier when I’m the only girl in the family. I’ve always learned how to adapt to my brothers’ interest instead of expecting them to understand me because it’s easier that way. Growing up, I constantly learn to enjoy watching action movies instead of chick lit dramas. But I never regret involving myself in their lives because it made me feel like I’m part of the team. There are days though that I have things on my mind, problems I would love to share but I couldn’t say it since they’ve never listened to my issues. In a way, growing up, I felt a lot of emotions but I didn’t share them with my family and it felt so lonely to carry them all myself.

Its total opposite when I see the relationship between my mother and her siblings. And I envy that sort of relationship, that chaos and even arguments or the long talks about their worries and problems and joy. It made me wish that when I have a family on my own, I’ll make sure that it never gets quiet in our future home. We’ll have our kids laughter echoing or their screams and cute little arguments or the early morning breakfast rush . It doesn’t matter as long as its not lonely and quiet. I long for a big family and I told myself that I will give each and every one of them lots and lots of love so they’ll always fill my life with happiness. I wouldn’t want to be so engrossed with work that I don’t have time for them, that I won’t be involved with them or be there for them when they need their parents. I want to watch them grow and go through every phase in life, guide them when they need the guidance and understand them when they have different views. I wish to have a family where the kids are not afraid of their father but have so much respect for him. To come back to a family of my own in a place full of love I call home. Isn’t that what we all want in marriage?

But then again, that is if I find my future person 😂 (insyaallah I’m sure He knows best)

If you have siblings who are overlyattached, who always fuss about you and worry about your welfare, never ever brush them off. Appreciate those moments and love them back because you never know when they will leave you and go on with their lives.