It felt odd, going back to the place I’m familiar with but this time with a different purpose. It’s as if I am familiar but in a new territory altogether, suddenly realizing it’s not the place I missed but rather the phase.

That was what I thought about my work trip recently to the UK. I wouldn’t exactly say I was excited, as I went there feeling a mix of anxious, nervous, worried if I don’t do well and a consistent pressure at the back of my mind on work. But the trip itself as a whole, gave me a new experience and I was glad it was done in a place I’m somewhat familiar with. I didn’t think it was possible not to be jet lagged but then in between sorting out meetings and working dual time zone, I was awake most of the time and slept when I needed a break, jet lagged the least of my concern.

I thought it would be the same like when I was back there for university but the feeling was different. I was there, but not to visit any parks, cafes. Instead i was there to meet working people like myself and even more experienced than I am. It was empowering to see different work culture and work place, the environment and even the working mood; flexible yet productive. I liked how I was given the chance to speak and lead some of the meetings, but with some comfort that my superior will navigate so I won’t go off topic or say something unnecessary. Thankful for a superior that allows me to grow rather than just take orders, I went back from the work trip with a new sense of motivation in work. It’s like I fell in love with my work and I want to grow and be good at what I do. Meeting people who are experienced in the field I work, listening to them talk about the market and current issues amazes me. I appreciate the vast knowledge sharing and admire those I met as we discussed in meetings. If you could equate this to football or other sports, it’s like a newcomer meeting David Beckham and learning from him and his team, listening to their ups and downs, tactics and everything that is within the field.

So as i walked pass by shops i used to go during my uni days, i felt different but with a sense of familiarity, knowing that there was a phase in life i was happily exploring and skipping around this country and what i thought was worrying back then, is probably small compared to now. The streets got me missing that phase when i could plan the day playing, or lazying around but without those memories, it’s just another place in this world. Realizing that, I figured if I were to go there again it wouldn’t make me feel the same because I’m creating new memories now with a new phase in life. And that just once again proves to myself how important it is to live to the fullest at every moment, because reliving some memories may not give me the same feeling and it makes me want to even more give my best in life so I have no regrets later on.

On a side note, it’s second day of Eid here in Malaysia so not too late to wish Eid Mubarak to all who celebrates. May we all have a blessed Eid with our loved ones, our Ramadhan deeds accepted and we forgive each other to start new from here onward.


mellow update

I think the plan to blog more and keep track of life will need some revision to it to perhaps casual blogging as and when I am able to update. I never thought work could take away so much from you but wow, not even a year has passed but I feel like so much changed. Emotion wise, it feels like I have felt more in these few months of working than my entire three years of hectic university life; from being stressed to anxious to happy and it changes rapidly from one to another, leaving me drained by the end of the day. Gone are the days where I could simply take a day off from everything because I woke up feeling like it’s a good day to be carefree. I obviously love my work because there’s so much to learn and discover daily and it’s exciting despite the crazy workload. I like how working is also a platform for me to continuously learn something new daily, exploring and creating more room for self-improvement.

One thing I realized, working in a fast paced environment requires me to make a good judgement on when to stop and give myself some time to readjust.

It can be overwhelming at times, emotionally it can be exhausting too which is why it’s important to not let it get to you.

I remember the first two month of work I just could not even function when work came from all sides. I would be stressed out, figuring out how do I finish this and get it right. I don’t even know if work life balance existed for me at that time. But as time pass by, I learn that when a huge workload comes your way you got to take a moment to restructure everything before you start. It really helps with the panic attacks that happens frequently when you’re chasing deadlines. If your mind is stuck, take a break. I know, it feels so absurd to be taking a break when you have so much to do and so little time. But, I figured out that taking a break do help. Yes, it does. I had this work I needed to do within a timeline which required me to learn from scratch and I took days to work on it, but it was more like just generally understanding the work instead of actually doing it because I was stuck at the same question of how do I do this. It was after I gave myself a break from it entirely, allowed myself to think of other things before coming back to the same question that I managed to unwind myself from the position I was stuck.

However, I do have to admit that I’m still working on coping with the emotional roller coaster rides. I could go from being sad to stress within seconds it’s crazy. Anxiety visits me quite often since I started this new phase of life. Sometimes I feel like juggling between work, family and myself takes up so much I barely have time for social life. There are days I feel so alone, struggling to cope with all this myself. But I know, I have so many people around me to turn to for support which is such a huge comfort for me.

I think this may sound odd, but I am going to say it anyway.

Growing up, being an adult is not as glorious as we all thought it would be. There are of course the sweetness in it, entering different phases in life but one thing for sure is the responsibilities to carry grow as your age increases. And experiencing all this leave an entirely different impact than simply knowing it. Although I do admit that it is in this process that I learn about myself a lot. Slowly in this process I get to know myself, how I am as a person, understanding my own needs, expectations and capabilities. Of course there are also days where I just wish I can be married with six kids in a cute little home, far away from all this hectic city life but not too far to a point that I disconnect from the world totally, waking up to my partner and having random talks about anything and not having to worry much about things in life. Then there are also days I wish I could drop everything and be somebody else, like a textile designer or something. But reality now isn’t so bad too and I am grateful as it is for the constant blessings. I guess that’s what growing up do to you. It makes you discover what is it you want out of life and all your different priorities.


Remember in my previous post I said I figured out some of my 2018 resolution and want to do an update on that but ended up posting without any? Well here’s a follow-up post on that, sorry for skipping that out I was half asleep trying to finish that post (the struggle was too real). Anyway, with some free time I miraculously have tonight after dinner, I’m going to write down about my dreams, aspirations, my personal motivation etc etc. I’ll try to list out everything so that I can remember later on what is it I wanted to achieve this year.

Here goes my 2018 list:
• dedicate more time to my family and loved ones because they matter more than whatever this world has to offer.
• be more functional mentally and physically.
• work on my presentation skills (giving a speech makes me all jittery)
• be content with life
• learn to take on challenges as they are and bend instead of break
• work on the understanding of my faith and religion
• to be empathic with my surrounding and not let the harsh reality of this world make me bitter
• to learn and understand the concept of green lifestyle and try to adopt them, no matter how small the act is.
• to be stronger physically so i can hustle through my days and not feel too exhausted
• improve in any aspect by the end of the year, knowing that whatever it is i learned throughout this year would have at least impacted myself
• to find love and blessing in every event regardless of whether they bring happiness or sadness

Aaaanddd. . . I think that’s about it for now. I could go on talking about the breakdown of my goals but lets not. As for now, my short term goal would be to survive life; juggling work, passion, family and friends is not easy, soon adding to the list is my studies. Phew. That and I’m hoping to be an excel wizard somehow, someday in the next few months or so (keyword: hoping). Not that it’s at the top of my list but I’m also hoping to own a tablet that allows me to draw and doodle because this girl needs that function in her life now more than ever. All this stress making me want to doodle more and more. I also hope to have more time to use my film camera around KL because it’s been a while and I miss wandering. Maybe, well now that I mention about camera maybe I’m going to bring to work tomorrow and take photos as I walk to work!

If you notice, my goals are very generalized and I would say they are simple goals. I don’t really have a big ambition like aiming to become a ceo by certain age, own a car or something similar to that. Its not because I am against it or not also because i dont aim high in life. I always admire those who have specific, detailed goals in life. Mine, on the other hand is tinyyyy bit different. I do have dreams, they differ in some ways but i work just as hard to obtain them. I believe strongly that hard work pays off and when you do something, always put a hundred percent effort and give your best. Our goals may vary but at the end of the day, the key to achieving it is the same and that is to do your very best.

There are some days I feel lousy with myself, days where I just give up on the things I want to fight for in life, but I know some things are worth fighting for, especially when it means so much to you. And these goals I listed out, general as they may be, means a lot to me. I wouldn’t want to go through 2018 and look back, failing to achieve all this. It would feel like I have lost myself in the journey if that happened.

Anyway, that’s basically my 2018 goals. I’m sure you already figured some of your goals as well, but if you haven’t don’t worry. You don’t need for it to be a new year to have new resolution. You can wake up one day and just decide that you’ll live your day differently from now on. A goal can be made anytime, all you need is determination and some extra effort in your action. Take time to figure yourself out. There’s plenty of room to improve, you can never meet an end to learning so gain as much as you can.

Here’s to new goals and dreams, may life be filled with plenty of them and none of those negative setbacks.

T-6 days.

I find it difficult to believe that 2017 is coming to an end in a few days. This year truly felt like a spinning wheel, everything was constantly moving and things were moving pretty quickly. I have to admit that 2017 is probably going to be a year I’ll always remember because so much happened, so many life-changing decisions were made this year and I personally felt the impact of each and every event that has occurred.

I’m happy and glad at the same time that I was able to wrap up my 2017 at Outward Bound, a week long camp away from everything and everyone focusing on myself only. Never in my life have I ever imagined kayaking 20km or hiking the whole day but I did it no matter how ridiculous it sounded to me. It felt freeing to be away from gadgets and going back to basic lifestyle, appreciating nature and life without technology. It felt rewarding to be able to complete the camp in one piece, unhurt physically and mentally. The timing was too perfect in the sense that it was the best ending I could imagine for an eventful year.

Looking back at 2017, it feels like so much changed. I recalled blogging about New Year at the airport, talking about my goals for the year and it did not even feel like 12 months has passed since. This year is the year I learned about being emotionally independent. I realized certain things about affection, or more like what we assume we know about others feelings. I learned that feelings fluctuate and that’s okay. It happens to everyone, more often than we actually realize. I also learned that some things are not said out loud, but they reflect in others actions. We may not always understand why someone react the way they do but it may be wise to defer judgement until we figure out the reasons behind it. This may sound cliche but yes I did learn that people change, yes they do and that’s fine. We all go through some changes as we go on in life.

This is the year I challenged myself to new things ; did my first all girls road trip in Spain, stayed on a boat, traveled alone to places, graduated for the first time ever, lived alone, put myself out there and give my best in everything I do, stay awake for 48 hours because of exams and so many more. I decided to step up and be brave to face whatever that was coming my way. I enjoyed the freedom of being alone and putting myself first. I focused on grabbing opportunities that was good for me. I allowed myself to make mistakes, take day offs and rest when my body needs it. I cried so much this year and I told myself that it was okay because I laughed a lot too. It was a roller coaster ride for me, with so much happening at a time and living by the day wasn’t as easy. But that’s why 2017 is a memorable one. It made me open my eyes about the blessings I receive within all the challenges I faced. I feel like nothing could prepare me for this year, both the bad and the good. This is the year where I’ve completed all the paths I’ve known since young. What’s next feels blurry because there isn’t any specific paths to go on now.

2018 will be a new beginning with no guidance whatsoever on my future journey. One second I could be doing this and the next second I could be changing totally my life course. What do I expect from 2018 – I have no idea. Previously, I could list down my goals, but for 2018 I’ll keep it to only one, the one that matters regardless of how things may change and that is to do my best in whatever that comes my way. So, here’s to welcoming a new year, a brand new chapter . May it be filled with countless blessings and more life-changing experiences.

Privileged, but . . .

I came across a video today about the obvious truth about people and privileges and it got me thinking about a few things. First was on how interesting life is, that every single minute, even the uneventful minutes, once it has passed there’s no rewinding it back. It’s sort of like writing a book but without an eraser. Then, it got me thinking how blessed my life is and all the privileges that I was born with yet probably took it for granted too many times.

Looking back, I feel that everything has been arranged so beautifully that every life is a masterpiece of its own. But then, similar to the creation of a forest it’s beautiful not because the forest have not been through any rough days, rather its the opposite. We only say it’s beautiful because it has unfold its stories, faced through storms and grew back from the start, the flowers bloomed and fell and bloomed again until it grows to become a huge land of trees and nature from just being a single tree. I guess life in a way works that way too. If we focus on one event, we only see the negative or demotivating side of it. But when you see it from a different viewpoint, a much bigger one you’ll learn to understand that life has been arranged in such a way that you learn and continuously experience something that is needed for your growth. It’s not always sunny days because even the rainy days are sort of a blessing in disguise; something you don’t want but it’s probably something you need. Life is such a beautiful creation because its a combination of your efforts and the universe.

I don’t know, maybe I’m seeing this in such a positive manner because I’ve never went through the different troubles in life. I’m not sure if my thoughts would be like this if I was born in an unstable country, growing up facing gunfires and bombs instead of being in school. I probably won’t be as positive, or maybe I would realize it even earlier. That is why, when we listen to others talk about their problems, no matter how trifle it may be to you, please don’t judge their problems. It’s fair for you to give opinions and listen but to belittle others problems, I think that’s not something we are entitled to do because what each of us face in life is different and making comparisons would be unfair to all.

The thought about life also made me think about privileges. I always hear people saying things like this person was born rich, obviously they have better chance at surviving this world. Indeed, it is true. I cannot even try to disagree with this statement because if you have the means and can afford the world, then you will be given the world. Thats literally how the world works. And it’s not anyone’s fault that some people are privileged. But do we just not do anything about it ? I thought real hard about how lucky I am to be blessed with such supporting family. I was given additional support in education when I felt like the school syllabus wasn’t enough for my understanding. It’s probably why I am able to score good grades in school. I didn’t have to worry about working part time to support myself while studying. Everything I needed, my parents did their best to provide it for me. So do I feel proud when success is what I got in return? Those who don’t have the same privileges might question your success or wouldn’t take it as serious. And I understand fully why they would feel that way, it isn’t a fair opportunity for everyone.

But while agreeing to this, I must say that it’s not right when you say there’s nothing you can do about it. You can, to be honest. Make good use of your privileges and with those privileges, create opportunities for those who are not as privileged. Some people work for the money, some desperately work because they need the money. While you’re happily enjoying the big monthly salary, maybe some are struggling to meet ends. So with that power you have, you help them. Its fine to help in monetary form but we are not santa claus. Instead, help them grow so they can reach out to more opportunities. Help them grow in ways that you are able to help. Don’t make them feel dependent but assist them so they can stand on their own with the privileges you’ve obtained thanks to life’s doing. You were born with privileges, they are yours but that doesn’t mean they are only meant for you. Its there so you could help those who needs it. When we’ve got more than what we need in life, giving back is only natural. Because who else would right ? What we thought is ours by right, is probably true but it comes with a bigger purpose than just for us. So use that as a tool to make changes, to help and to grow.

our eyes, do they really see?

A brief summary of how I started my day today – woke up, made breakfast, helped dad take care of his pets then went to try out body massage at this shop run by the Malaysian Association for the Blind.

It was, I would say a pretty ordinary day except it wasn’t. Instead, it’s an eye-opening experience for me with a mixture of realization and self-reflection later on.

I went in the shop, was greeted by a man and nothing was out of ordinary until the person who was in charge of massaging me came in. I automatically knew she was blind because her eyes was not focusing on me but she was so friendly, greeted me with a smile and even made small talks. It’s all normal until she started massaging and what hit me first was, wow this is actually really good. She put in just the right amount of pressure during the massage and gave extra attention to areas where the body is tense. Not once she made me feel uncomfortable and touched me inappropriately, in fact I feel that she knew what exactly she was doing which totally amazed me. So while I was really feeling relaxed I was also thinking how amazing it is that another human being who doesn’t have all five senses unlike us, can still move and do things perfectly. I’ve been to a few massage spa throughout my life and I started this since young so I’ve experienced quite a few different kinds of massage and spa treatments. I’ve had only one that I was really satisfied with so far and now that I’ve discovered this place, it became my new favorite.

It’s surprising isn’t it?

You come in with a skeptical mind, thinking how are they even going to massage you if they have no sight? What if they touched wrongly or pressed too hard? All kinds of imagination comes to mind mainly caused by fear about their imperfection.

Then they do it and prove you wrong.

I started becoming curious about them, their lifestyle and how they cope with everything. After I was done, I went to the counter to pay and I saw the person who massaged me was sitting in front of the cashier and smiling at me. She told me the price and while I was taking out the money, I kept on thinking how do I pay her? Do I tell her which note is which or what? Afraid that they don’t know how to determine what notes I was giving, I took out the exact amount and paid her while repeating the amount to her just to reconfirm. I saw her fingers feeling the notes slightly for a while and then she nodded saying her thanks. I walked out of the shop, feeling dazzled. How on earth did she know if that was the right amount? What if someone gave more or less? I told this to my mum and she said that our notes have patterns on it so disabled people can determine the amount of the notes.

That bit of information smacked right at my face and I felt ashamed instantly. How is it that in my whole life, from the moment I learned how to count to the day when I first held my first pocket money in the form of notes up til now which would sum up quite a few years of using and having my own money, did I not know this fact?

Was I really that ignorant and clueless? Ashamed was one word to put it.

But also realization about my limited interaction with disabled people which would have caused me to be ignorant of things like this. Not once did I ask myself how are the disabled people adapting to the environment. It made me see the importance of educating ourselves beyond what we learn academically in school. I also realized how important is it to understand what it actually means to live in a community.

As part of the community, it is our responsibility to educate ourselves about the people we live together and that includes a wide range of spectrum such as the disabled, gifted, elderly, children, youth and even adults. And this sort of education should be in our school syllabus because where and when else should we start if not at school. It makes our children understand better the people they live with and starting early means that our children will grow up to be more aware of the needs of the people, not just the majority. The lady who massaged me told that she took a Grab instead of the train to work and I was so impressed how these people are adapting so well despite the challenges they have to face.

It was my first real-life experience talking to someone without sight and listening to her stories was so humbling for me. I’m used to seeing disabled people by the streets in the city, as they beg for some extra coins we have in our pockets and it was something I see often it just made me feel indifferent about the whole situation. But this, seeing and talking to her was definitely an eye-opening humbling experience. It got me realizing that we should learn about them, about the difficulties they have to face and how we can ease their challenges and include their needs when one day, we become leaders and we are the one providing services to the community.

I feel that disabled people should be given a chance at jobs just like any of us. They should be given the opportunity to enter schools like other children, not opting for a special school and separate them from the rest because reality is, these people will be entering the outside world when they’re older and we should not be ignorant about it. It is not in our place to limit their potential but it’s our duty to help them nourish their potentials just like how we nurture and polish our youth.

As leaders, if we are to provide for the community it also means providing for everyone.

That means giving access to facilities that are user-friendly. We can’t have bus stops by the roadside of a highway because would that really be safe and accessible for everyone? The bus stops in towns should all have at least some shade and seats and a clear walkway so even people with wheelchairs are able to go to the bus stops. We can’t just give excuses like ‘there’s taxi, it’s better if they use a taxi’ because when providing the facilities, the choice isn’t ours to make who we want to provide it to. And these are just some of the concerns about the welfare of our community that we don’t see and emphasize enough.

Which is why I feel it’s so important to educate ourselves on these issues. That way, we’ll be more aware of our surrounding and understand why certain things are the way it is. So, yes it’s time to be more community-oriented and be more educated about the community we live in.


p/s: The structure of my content in this post may not be organized I’m not sure if you even understand what is it I’m rambling about but the urge to type this down was so strong I just poured everything out straight from my thoughts so they are, I must admit a bit messy but I hope you do get my point. 

give yourself a chance.

I think for the past year or so, I’ve been consistently asked about how I cope with life. The people around me were wondering how did I pull myself together and be fine after all that’s happened. But being asked about relationship advice is one I truly have difficulties answering. They saw how well I was focusing on myself, how happy I am and they want to know how is that even possible because we all somehow know the feeling of having to let go is not one that’s easy to deal with.

Truth is, what they see is only half the truth about what I was going through. Which is why when I’m being asked about how I deal with all this, I am lost for words. I still do work on it from time to time.

But I always remind myself, what I went through was not something unbearable. To compare it to something bigger like losing a family member or being taken away from the one thing you treasure most makes me feel the burden I carry is probably just a pinch to some people. Because at the end of the day, although it hurt me in the past I have to say that I’m thankful it wasn’t any worse. And to be honest, that is probably how I deal with that one feeling we thought is so unbearable after losing in a relationship. I focus on the things I have, for instance the fact that today I woke up, still breathing and in good health is a blessing I am so thankful for. I am still able to see the sun rises, hear the blissful sound of the morning as the world wakes up, enjoy my breakfast and this means that another day is given to me to change and be a better version of myself. It’s not easy to see such blessings when you’re hurting, that I know. Why so? Because you focus on your pain more and you become blind to all the good things. It’s like dark clouds above you, hiding the sun from brightening your life. I could relate and I do understand. But, don’t drown.

If there’s anything I could tell, it is this. Don’t do that to yourself and drown further. Accept the fact that you are hurting. But, don’t be bitter. Don’t blame others although they might deserve the blame because you’ve got to remember, you’re on your own now. Nobody is going to pick you up while you’re down there throwing tantrums and crying over how unfair you were treated. It’s tough, but that’s the part where self-love and self-respect comes in. Instead, tell yourself every day about the few things you love in life, like having all your family members at home or simply you’re given a chance to have your bestfriend to yourself for another day. Be happy with the little things you have like your health, your body and even your feelings. Not all are privileged to feel the kind of emotions that you feel. If it’s sadness that you feel, be thankful for it. Remember what sadness feels like then replace it with gratitude so you can see life in a positive manner.

It was difficult for me at one point. I remembered just crying telling my friends, how do I do this thing called life now that I’m alone. I could not remember what life was like before him. So I was afraid with every little thing that I had to do alone. But it was a refreshing concept; doing things on your own.

Slowly, I became comfortable facing this world on my own. I surround myself with people I love and appreciate all the little gestures. I felt content instead of lonely having a space that I could call as my personal space; no trace of another human’s memories whatsoever in it. I enjoyed this thing I discovered as ‘me time’ which was so precious during my uni days. I loved the weekends when I can just sleep in, watch all my shows in bed, disconnect myself from the world and not having to worry about how another person is spending his day. Doing things alone at first was nerve wrecking, that is true. I find myself worrying about my safety when I travel alone or the fact that I’m hopeless when it comes to navigating but it allowed me to learn and make so much memories that belong only to me.

It made me see the world from a different angle, away from my comfort zone which is with no doubt, amazing. I have time to focus on myself, to work on my flaws and carry my duties properly without having to worry if my partner can accept it or not. And now that I’ve tasted what it’s like to be on my own, the idea of being with someone makes me cautious. I wouldn’t want to go back to the days where I have to justify the reason why I do something the way I do it or doing something I don’t like just to please another person. I wouldn’t want to change myself for another and being accepted by someone is so much more important than falling in love now.

What I mean about being accepted here is not just about my personality, it’s also about my future goals, my responsibilities and so on. I used to believe that in any relationship, we can make it work so long that we both compromise. Yes, that is absolutely true but I failed to realize that it only works if as partners we can first respect each other. We’ve got to know how much we are willing to go for each other before committing. Be on the same page. That way, your partner wouldn’t ask something that is beyond you and you wouldn’t too. That is what we would say a rather realistic view of relationship because 10 years down the road, with kids and a handful of arguments, you can’t just rely on that one thing called love. Even your faith fluctuates, it is only natural that love do too.

I was once in a relationship which I dedicated myself to and I also went through a phase in life where I had no choice but to be on my own. Now I can tell that relationship is no small matter. I wouldn’t commit myself to another based on just feelings thinking that everything else will work as long as I put love into the equation. It’s more than feelings now. You’ve got to take into account compatibility, the connection, the reality of both you and not just when you’re pretty and all polished and the level of commitment. It’s much more than just ‘ I love you’ but the weight of that declaration is what matters.

And gosh, yes being alone makes you feel lonely at times but you’re not having a partner so they could fill your boredom. It’s better to wait for that missing piece of puzzle rather than forcing one that doesn’t fit.

It’s difficult, always easier said than done. I know that but give yourself the chance to discover what is it like to be you. Find out the things that make you happy, pick up a new hobby, workout if that makes you feel better or spend more time doing things you haven’t gotten the time to do. Focus on being a better you, focus on the relationships you have;with God, family, friends, your pets and even the society. Give yourself that chance to live life the fullest, not holding on to a bitter past that won’t do any good for your future but will only pull you down further. Be a person that you can depend on so that one day, you can trust yourself to allow others rely on you.

Remember, don’t wait for somebody to shower you with rainbows in your life. You can be the rainbow, the sun, the moon to your own life. I may not know much about coping with devastating feelings but this is what I can tell; it’s your life, you decide what you want to do with it.