I think for the past year or so, I’ve been consistently asked about how I cope with life. The people around me were wondering how did I pull myself together and be fine after all that’s happened. But being asked about relationship advice is one I truly have difficulties answering. They saw how well I was focusing on myself, how happy I am and they want to know how is that even possible because we all somehow know the feeling of having to let go is not one that’s easy to deal with.
Truth is, what they see is only half the truth about what I was going through. Which is why when I’m being asked about how I deal with all this, I am lost for words. I still do work on it from time to time.
But I always remind myself, what I went through was not something unbearable. To compare it to something bigger like losing a family member or being taken away from the one thing you treasure most makes me feel the burden I carry is probably just a pinch to some people. Because at the end of the day, although it hurt me in the past I have to say that I’m thankful it wasn’t any worse. And to be honest, that is probably how I deal with that one feeling we thought is so unbearable after losing in a relationship. I focus on the things I have, for instance the fact that today I woke up, still breathing and in good health is a blessing I am so thankful for. I am still able to see the sun rises, hear the blissful sound of the morning as the world wakes up, enjoy my breakfast and this means that another day is given to me to change and be a better version of myself. It’s not easy to see such blessings when you’re hurting, that I know. Why so? Because you focus on your pain more and you become blind to all the good things. It’s like dark clouds above you, hiding the sun from brightening your life. I could relate and I do understand. But, don’t drown.
If there’s anything I could tell, it is this. Don’t do that to yourself and drown further. Accept the fact that you are hurting. But, don’t be bitter. Don’t blame others although they might deserve the blame because you’ve got to remember, you’re on your own now. Nobody is going to pick you up while you’re down there throwing tantrums and crying over how unfair you were treated. It’s tough, but that’s the part where self-love and self-respect comes in. Instead, tell yourself every day about the few things you love in life, like having all your family members at home or simply you’re given a chance to have your bestfriend to yourself for another day. Be happy with the little things you have like your health, your body and even your feelings. Not all are privileged to feel the kind of emotions that you feel. If it’s sadness that you feel, be thankful for it. Remember what sadness feels like then replace it with gratitude so you can see life in a positive manner.
It was difficult for me at one point. I remembered just crying telling my friends, how do I do this thing called life now that I’m alone. I could not remember what life was like before him. So I was afraid with every little thing that I had to do alone. But it was a refreshing concept; doing things on your own.
Slowly, I became comfortable facing this world on my own. I surround myself with people I love and appreciate all the little gestures. I felt content instead of lonely having a space that I could call as my personal space; no trace of another human’s memories whatsoever in it. I enjoyed this thing I discovered as ‘me time’ which was so precious during my uni days. I loved the weekends when I can just sleep in, watch all my shows in bed, disconnect myself from the world and not having to worry about how another person is spending his day. Doing things alone at first was nerve wrecking, that is true. I find myself worrying about my safety when I travel alone or the fact that I’m hopeless when it comes to navigating but it allowed me to learn and make so much memories that belong only to me.
It made me see the world from a different angle, away from my comfort zone which is with no doubt, amazing. I have time to focus on myself, to work on my flaws and carry my duties properly without having to worry if my partner can accept it or not. And now that I’ve tasted what it’s like to be on my own, the idea of being with someone makes me cautious. I wouldn’t want to go back to the days where I have to justify the reason why I do something the way I do it or doing something I don’t like just to please another person. I wouldn’t want to change myself for another and being accepted by someone is so much more important than falling in love now.
What I mean about being accepted here is not just about my personality, it’s also about my future goals, my responsibilities and so on. I used to believe that in any relationship, we can make it work so long that we both compromise. Yes, that is absolutely true but I failed to realize that it only works if as partners we can first respect each other. We’ve got to know how much we are willing to go for each other before committing. Be on the same page. That way, your partner wouldn’t ask something that is beyond you and you wouldn’t too. That is what we would say a rather realistic view of relationship because 10 years down the road, with kids and a handful of arguments, you can’t just rely on that one thing called love. Even your faith fluctuates, it is only natural that love do too.
I was once in a relationship which I dedicated myself to and I also went through a phase in life where I had no choice but to be on my own. Now I can tell that relationship is no small matter. I wouldn’t commit myself to another based on just feelings thinking that everything else will work as long as I put love into the equation. It’s more than feelings now. You’ve got to take into account compatibility, the connection, the reality of both you and not just when you’re pretty and all polished and the level of commitment. It’s much more than just ‘ I love you’ but the weight of that declaration is what matters.
And gosh, yes being alone makes you feel lonely at times but you’re not having a partner so they could fill your boredom. It’s better to wait for that missing piece of puzzle rather than forcing one that doesn’t fit.
It’s difficult, always easier said than done. I know that but give yourself the chance to discover what is it like to be you. Find out the things that make you happy, pick up a new hobby, workout if that makes you feel better or spend more time doing things you haven’t gotten the time to do. Focus on being a better you, focus on the relationships you have;with God, family, friends, your pets and even the society. Give yourself that chance to live life the fullest, not holding on to a bitter past that won’t do any good for your future but will only pull you down further. Be a person that you can depend on so that one day, you can trust yourself to allow others rely on you.
Remember, don’t wait for somebody to shower you with rainbows in your life. You can be the rainbow, the sun, the moon to your own life. I may not know much about coping with devastating feelings but this is what I can tell; it’s your life, you decide what you want to do with it.